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College Admissions help......?

I need someone to review this and see if I need any changes...all help is appreciated. Its about additional comments on an application. Please and Thanks:)

"I would say I am a very determined student who is destined for success. With being on the Yearbook Committee I have advanced from a member to Events Manager. Participating in activities outside of school, such as an internship with Griot's Eye: Habesha Baltimore, Mass Communications internship with Church Lane Elementary School, and a fifth grade tutor."

2 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Is there a character limit on this response? Show that you're a determined student by being specific in how many years you did Yearbook, as well as rising to a leadership position. Actually, spell out exactly how many leadership positions you have. Your sentences are basically fragments. I'm reading your answer with no knowledge of your activities and I don't really know what they are. Assume that same thing for whoever is reading these answers. Be clear but succinct.

  • Denny
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    Your grammar is awkward. Try the following:

    "While being on the Yearbook Committee...."

    "Outside of school I participated in activities such as...."

    Good luck.

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