Am I a bad person? Bad friend?

Emotional blackmail doesn't work does it. Look at the whole thing un-emotionally. You have been online friends for 2 years. For 18 months of those 24, you were there for eachother and were shoulders to for each other to cry on. All nice and equal which is fine. But time doesn't stand still. Your friend is still in the same old rut (for whatever reason) and you have started to move on. You have made proper friends - people you can actually look at, touch and interact with - whereas he is just a disembodied friendly outlet for you. Don't tell him that you are dropping him, even as you gradually do so. Speak with him less frequently and spend more and more time with 'real' people. He doesn't like it and is trying to emotionally blackmail you with the crying story. Well, that is HIS problem to solve. You aren't responsible for him and if you continue to pander to his wishes, just because he's made you feel guilty, you'll end up hating him. Let him carry on talking about the same things if that's what he wants - you only have to put up with it occasionally. You aren't a bad person. He gave you support out of the kindness of his heart at the time......now he's using it as a weapon against you which isn't kind at all. You were equally kind to him if you want to score points. Just be nice and pleasant and gradually talk with him less and less until either he drops you or you fade away with your new friends.

You're not a bad friend. He was there for you and you appreciate that..but now you're moving on. I'm not saying abandon him. But just tell him in a kind way that you are starting to have a life now and you need to live but you will still talk to him nowadays. Don't just throw him away because you're starting to have a life with real friends. When you do talk to him make your conversations more interesting so you don't find him boring. Hope I helped.

Good luck dear.

A suggestion: Pick two or three days a month to chat with your friend and let him know about it. To make it easy just say something like the second and fourth Thursdays of the month. Then only chat with him during these times. You friend will eventually get used to the lower frequency of chats and because you continue to show up, he will come to learn you aren't leaving him.

If you would like to talk more about this issue with a counselor, please don't hesitate to phone the Boys Town National Hotline, 24/7, at 1-800-448-3000 or go to www.yourlifeyourvoice.org for more information.

AG, BTNHL Counselor

You're not a bad person, and you are entitled to live your life however you want, and with whoever you want in it.

But just remember, he has been there for you. Before you had 'real friends' he was always there for you to keep you company, to give you a friend, and to help you with any problems you may have had back then. Trying to ignore him after what he has done for you would be plain rude. If you really do not want to talk to him anymore, you need to be honest with him and tell him the truth. You owe him that much if you no longer want to be his friend.

You shouldn't stay friends with someone just because you feel you have to, but with someone as kind as he was to be your friend for all this time, you need to atleast be honest with him.

I have a friend in the exact same position although he is on the receiving end. He is in love with her but we tell him he needs to move on. You need to know it's not your fault! These things happen. Friendships come and go whether they are online or in front of you. Don't feel bad, just continue to explain your position and he will need to accept that. I'm sure he has other friends he can fall back on. You both have your own separate lives and it's great that he helped you but you shouldn't feel like you "owe" him anything because of it.

Heya,

I do understand how you feel and where you are coming from, and maybe some space would do him good-but that completely depends on what he is going through.

The wanting space is understandable, more so if you think so because it would help him, but less so if you are doing this just fro yourself. Because as I am sure you know- just because things are getting better for you does not mean that you can just begin to cut things off, you should try and be with him/support him even when times are good and bad for you.

What you need to think of is if you are justi doing this because you are finding happiness for yourself, if so then you need to think that that is a selfish option even though you have been supporting him for 5 years, you should wantto distance yourself because you think it is best for both of you and not just for him. Just think at least you are getting happier at the moment, unfortunately for him he is still feeling really low.

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The thing is if you have been supporting each other for this long it may be hard, really hard for him to break away if you are his only support. He could be a really strong person but when you are at rock bottom and have no one you may really need that support before you start to get yourself up again. It will be good for him to be able to pick himself up.

What I would suggest you do is talk like you used to, don't try and just brush him off.

Try and find ways that he could really support himself and put our all into explaining ways f helping him find support around him. I understand how draining it must be for you but you do have your friends to vent to about it.The best way that you could help him is to firstly let him know that you will always be there for him even if it is not as often as before, stay with him until he finds support.

At the moment he is really dependent on you which is understandable because he is going through a lot. You could explain to him that you need to speak to him less because you have things going on at the moment which are keeping you busy.

I think if you try and tell him where he can get support elsewhere and guide and support him through getting that support then he will pick himself up.

Just remember as draining as this is put yourself in his shoes, it's not a great place to be and you have helped him out so much and to just let him go may really hit him badly so rather than be drastic try and not ease it off but stay with him until he finds alternate support...preferably not online as this may become his new dependancy. Also remember that he may feel really alone because you are the one he has told everything to and he has no one else like that so may feel that it is isolating to just be cut off from. You know this guy probably more than most and to lose that might make him feel like he has no one else that understands him. So try and do some deep psychology here, try and work out how he can best start supporting himself his own, what is getting to him at the moment and how he can bring himself up from that and what type of alternate support is best for him e.t.c

You could still talk to him from then on and your posts may start to be more positive, just try and leave ever post with things he could do.

You're not a bad person or a bad friend, you have tried to help this person a great deal over the last two years and i am sure you know that. Also don't let other people tell you what sort of person you are, listen to yourself, what do you think you are doing and how do you feel about it, do what you think is best and what you really want to do. Just don't cut him off completely if possible.

Soz for my rambling -all nighter :(

You're not a bad person. Just ignore him if you don't want to talk to him, it's your life. If you move on, chances are he will too.

No, your not a bad friend. I feel like that too. LIKE A LOT! if you dont wanna lose him invite him over and go somewhere. If not leave him. Its okk! :)