Precisely what is a "vampire"?

Guys, you're all jerks with this evil vampire stuff. All my experiences with their race were wonderful.

I had this really good friend vampire. He was awesome. We would always go out at night and mess around in the town. He told me he didn't like to go out in the day because once, his sister spilled super glue on him, and then accidentally tripped while carrying a bucket of glitter and, well, he said that whenever he goes outside he sparkles.

Well, one day for his birthday, I decided to see the real him so he would know that I liked him for the fact that he could fly, and suck the last of his milkshake out through the straw (something I can't do). So, I led him on a treasure hunt. It was long and lasted three weeks, but when he finally found me in the entry way to his house, it was noon. "perfect" I thought. I quickly opened the door and pushed him outside. Imagine my horror when, in addition to sparkling like a K$sha, princess fairy, he also began to melt in the street. As he slowly flowed down the gutter, I could hear him scream. "You suck! I don't suck, you suck! You suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

And that was the end of my vampire friend. I'm sure he's somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, where there's no light to show off his sparkles, sucking away at the gross gunk that lives down there. His now puddle self just waiting until it gets enough strength till it can rise from the icy depths and wage war on the whole of the human race in retribution for the pain I caused him.

Yup, college was sure some fun times.

I think a vampire is a creature who needs to drink blood to survive. That's about it, from there the author can make up whatever they want and I'll accept that its a vampire. Yes, that includes sparkles. It's fiction, people.

It's definitely not something that sparkles, and definitely something that is written about too often.

Seriously, vampires have become the go-to topic for first time writers.

There is no "precisely". It's a fictional creature, There have been multiple different myths about them.