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Do I have the right to feel frustrated?

My husband is a very hardworking, moral person who happens to be handicapped. He was born with spina bifida and could walk up until two years ago when he fell and tore ligaments in his left knee. I now have to do all the heavy stuff around the house and now have to help him with things he has trouble doing such as putting on his shoes, carrying food and other things along that line. I spent years taking care of my parents until they passed away with me as the primary care giver. Now I find myself feeling more of a caregiver than a wife. When he gets frustrated, which I can understand at times, he loses his temper and sometimes calls me names and curses, which can be pretty scary. I recently lost my job, and am at home all the time now, and am going through a major depression.

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Yes you do, there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. You should not feel guilty, you love him does not mean not being human. Your a fallible, normal, and average person. This is a huge responsibility. But, you are doing the right thing and life is not perfect. and you understand him, doesnt make it right screaming at you but you already know he is frustrated as well. I bet he really loves you and we all know we hurt the ones we love.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    The two of you are both frustrated and more than a little scared. Your relationship has changed. Everything has changed. His life is changed. Your life is changed. Please get the both of you into counseling whether it's together or separately. You have challenges ahead and the way to deal with them is to be in touch with what you really want.

    My husband is in a wheelchair and there is zero problem with me being able to work and for the both of us to socialize and have a rewarding and interesting life. He pilots himself around quite well. Nearly no lifting of course but he can get in and out of some cars (some are just a lost cause) and drive and we choose shoes he can navigate himself in and out of and clothing that he, usually, can get in and out of and .. well... outfit the house! Replace all the towel racks with secure heavy weight bars, run weight bars where ever you need them, get that cool weird shower chair that he can sit on and slide over into the shower (secure bars in the shower too)-- , redesign your kitchen cupboards and fridge so that he can reach what he needs to to cook the sorts of things he likes to cook (make him cook) .... I had a nurse call me out on how hard I worked for my husband a few years ago... she said, "Are his arms paralyzed?" and when I said, "No", she got all over my case and told me to QUIT turning my husband into an invalid and "let him" or "make him" do everything for himself he possibly could. Make him figure out how to do it himself. My guy manages to wrangle his own food and carry it into the TV room and open up a TV tray when he feels like it and I'm not home. He gets a lot done when I'm not around. Folds laundry. Shoves the vacuum around. We're both rewarded for it. And so it goes!

    You two have been at this for awhile now so I'm sure you've worked quite a few things out. Torn ligaments in a knee sound like something that surgeons could work on.... and there are all sorts of knee braces available.

    Anyway, please find a way to get the two of you into counseling. You need and deserve to get some help to tackle the wonders of the future ahead of you. He needs and deserves to work through this frustration of being handicapped and move on to living a fulfilling life. You do not have to life your life out as a caregiver and he does not have to life his life out as an invalid. The human mind is an amazing thing!

  • .
    Lv 5
    9 years ago

    wow- that sounds incredibly tough! im so sorry-i wish i could help! ((hugs)). yes, of course you have EVERY right to feel frustrated.

    anyone would feel low after losing their job alone, but caring for someone, particualy a partner, is very wearing, and is one of those things which goes unrecognised- but keeps the world going.  plus- your heart must be going out to him, too, because he's disabled now, must be unhappy, and is obviously angry about it. emotions are wearing too. loving someone who is ill and unhappy, with anger on top, is heartbreaking- it tears you up.

    plus~ youre at home all day, so sometimes it must seem like there is no escape, and that noone care for you? i hope not, but that's how id feel.

    so.. yup~ youve every right to feel frustrated and depressed. i know it sounds easy and trite to suggest talking to him- but have you done that? if youre depressed, you could slip into a breakdown, and he may not realise how he's affecting you.

    obv he's going to feel angry, and youre understanding- but taking it out on you is.. i tihnk, unacceptable if it happens too much.

    you know i have aspergers syndrome? i just went out with a guy for 6 months with AS as well- it broke my heart. i loved him so much, but it was so painful to see the torment it gave him- some of which hed take out on me, i became severly depressed to the pint of breakdown.  please dont let that happen to yourself; im sure youre not as bad as i was, but beware all the same.

    make sure you take time to do little things you enjoy- it sounds stupid and trivial, but thats the kind of thing which will keep you 'you', and take you away from stress for half an hour. even gardening, or going for a walk by a lake or in some woods, doing yoga or whatever- it will calm you for a while. 

    is there any way you can get him doing stuff, either at home, or out somewhere- lots of places need volunteers; could he do clerical work or answer phones somewhere? he must be depressed too, and it might make him feel better. could you do that somewhere too, or do you have to be at home with him all day?     having stuff which takes your mind off home life wont be heartless, it will help you both. 

    im sorry this has happened, and really wish i could help. i pray things improve for you both soon XX

  • 9 years ago

    First off, him yelling and getting upset at you is somewhat understandable. Look where he is coming from.... he used to be the provider for his family. He was bringing in money and taking care of you. Then, due to an unfortunate accident he is left disabled. He probably feels that he is unable to provide for his family like he knows he should and wants to. And seeing his wife having to due more heavy labor probably doesnt make him any happier. So he gets upset. Understandable.

    You are his wife. You made vows the day that you got married - in sickness and in health - remembee that line? You are still his wife and that will NEVER change. You have taken on more responsibilities and duties sure, but im most positive your husband still loves you. Your frustration is understabdale, but make sure you dont get mad at him for this.... it was not his, nor your fault for the accident. All i can suggest is don't give up hope. You are going to be blessed by taking care of your husband. Just keep trying to work through it. If it comes down to it, aee if you can get care giving help.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    You certainly have the right to feel frustrated.

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