What's wrong with me? :(?

Idk what to do any more I'm going crazy I'm 19 years old I am a daily marijuana smoker and cigarette smoker i've experimented with many drugs other than Meth and heroin. My memory is all screwed up mostly from weed I think. I literally have like no friends other than my weed dealer who I've known for 5 years. I let people walk all over me I'm Afraid to be assertive most of the time, I'm small and weak, I want to quit smoking and drugs but I just can't I have such a short Attention span. I cry to myself and wonder why I have all these problems. I have no trust for anyone all the people who were my friends stabbed me in the back. I have nothing right now I work almost everyday to escape the pain of my life,itstheonly thing thattrulymakesme feel betterI wish I couldwork forever or just meet a beautiful girl who I could giveeverything to.I dontknow what to do anymoreI just want to be normal. my father commited suicide 2 Weeks before I was born my "stepdad" from age 1 was pretty much always not around he was a great dad till my 1st brother was born ever since then my life has been a downhill spiral after my brother was born my step dad paid more attention to his "real" son I didnt realizethis but I think I did subconsciously after that about 3 years later they had another child and about 5 years after that my parents divorced this was a weird situation but so much has happened I didnt know what to think. I didnt find out about my dad dieing from suicise until I was 14 I was always told he was sick and passed, when I found out thats like when a switch flipped in my head and I was never the same person, I was constantly depressed , I didnt believe anything anyone says I lost all trust in everyone. Ive wished I could just die but im to scared to kill myself. Of course im scared of so many things I just wish I could stop doing drugs and get a girlfriend and just live anormal life but Idk where to meet people and cant have a full convo cuz of my ****** brain