Read this small rewritten piece? Have I improved as a writer?

Question

I wrote the original like, two years ago, when I was eleven. I'm going through a little bit of a dry-spell with my writing, so I was looking through old work and decided to retype it. I really want to become an author when I grow older, and I'm just wondering if my writing has improved at all. I know you're not going to understand where the idea for the short piece is coming from, but I want you to be a s brutally honest as possible about my writing. Don't worry; I can handle it, ;)

ORIGINAL (P.S. It hasn't been edited at all, so...) 
"Babe, you awake?" I asked, slowly sitting up in bed and stretching out my arms, feeling the low glow of the familiar sun beating down on my skin. I sighed and looked over to Collin, muttering in confusion, "Hayden? Go back to sleep hon.. Go..." Then he slowly slipped back into unconsciousness. I smirked and lowered down to kiss him good... morning? I looked over to my clock, reading 3;27 in the morning. 6 more hours, till we finally leave this ****-hole. I gave my head a jerk, red strands of hair bouncing around me. "Gray?" I heard someone call me from downstairs, more of like a man's voice-Probably Justin or Kenny. I bit my spider bites slightly, pondered it, and got up slowly from mine and Coll's bed. I looked down and saw I was still wearing Collin's white and purple, number 18, high school football jersey, which was two sizes too big for my buddy. I looked back over to Collin one last time and tip-toed out the room, quietly opening and shutting the door behind me, quickly realizing I'm only half-dressed in this jersey and the black bra and panties underneath it. I turned back so I was face-to-face with my wooden door, going to twist the knob slowly. I kept turning till my brain out two-and-two together and figured out that I was locked out. Again.
"God Dammit." I muttered, slowly bringing my forehead to the door, pounding it a couple times. As the pain suddenly rang from my forehead, I said "Jesus Christ." "Dirty words for such a dirty girl." a low growl said behind me, and a black cloth suddenly was practically shoved down my throat. The strong set of arms wheeled my around so my nose was touching with another man's, my sapphire eyes meeting his black. "Hello Gray." the man whispered in my ear, and gave me a smile that made my mind scream only one word; "Fear." Right now, I was only sure of three things. The first, is that I wish I could say "good-bye" to my love Collin one last time. Two, I'm going to die. Three, this was Wolfe's killer.
"No ******* way." 

RETYPE 
"Babe, are you awake?" I murmured gently, turning over to face Randall's body. The low glow of the rising sun cast a burst of orange light from behind his body, making him look heavenly in a way. 
"Hayden? ... Go back to bed hon... go." he said, before his face contorted and he returned back to sleep. I smiled to myself as I brought my hand to his check. I stared at him for a few minutes more before I shifted to look at the clock. It read 6:27, only six more hours till I can leave this shithole. 
"Hayden." I heard my name being called, as a statement, a demand, not a question. It was a man's voice coming from downstairs: probably Kenny or Justin's. 
I pondered and played with my tongue ring slightly before I got out of mine and Ran's bed. The floor was cold against my bare feet. I snook a last peek at Randall, to see if he was still awake (and to bask in his heavenly morning glow.) and tip-toed out of the room, trying my hardest not to have the floor creak beneath me. I shut the door quietly before I realized I was half-dressed. 
I wore Randall's old #18 highschool football jersey. Purple-and-white, McKinley highschool, with Randall's last name stitched into the back. He said he loved the way it looked on me, he said, even though it was two sizes to big for my body. Underneath the jersey was a matching black and lilac set of lacy bra and panties. 
I rushed to reopen the door, jingled the knock several times, before my brain put two-and-two together and realized I was locked out. I pressed my forehead against the cool wood of the door, "Dammit." I allowed my forehead to bang against the door once, twice. As the pain rang through my face, I said a quick "Jesus Christ" underneath my breath. 


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Anon · Accepted Answer

Actually your writing has declined over this time period.

I have no words for the topic of the writing. Seriously? 11 year old kid writing about all this? Dude, you seriously need to stop trying to grow up faster than you should be. Its really sad what all the kids write about, without realising what they are doing.

Now about the writing - You are writing a novel, not a scientific journal. For the latter, you would have to be succinct- precise and concise. Which means writing to the point. But in a story, you are trying to draw in the reader. You just cant just say "I woke up". You got to say "And then I slowly raised one eyelid and tried to figure out what was going on. Then I opened both my eyes and raised myself up. And slumbered back to my sleep". You seem to have forgotten this important thing during this time.

Writing style is good. You surely know how to put two and two together. But you seriously got to work on your theme. As is the problem with almost every other amateur of the generation, you have been fed all the stereotyped ideas. Try to get something fresh out of the bag- something out of pure imagination, and not out of P-G rated movies. Its hard, but its worth a try. 
In the end, your success all depends upon your angle- whether you have a fresh story or a fresh take on an old story.

You do know how to use similes and the methaphors but you still lack that finishing edge required for them. Once again, I feel like I am encountering the same metaphors over and over again. It is a simile because "it is like that", not "it is exactly that". You need to work on repetition and proper use of similes and references.  Try to see how you can create the same effect without going in too direct. thats the art of writing.

Heavy hitting words are not necessary, but the proper flow is. Get the general trend of flow, and that works far better than using some good-sounding words. Add these good-sounding words naturally into your writing, and you become perfect. Maybe you can give a try to shorter sentences and see how they work.

Overall, its a good piece of writing for the literary taste given your age. For the topic, its still bad. Will be rating it 7 writing wise.

And I may have wrongly named some of the shortcomings of the play - as in mixing them up. Do try to analyse if you actually falter there, before trying to change your writing. But you can freely take in the advices I gave. They are all correct

Joseph · Answer

Little bit yes. You probly want to work on more broad details then the more finer one. You need to work on the settings more too, were are you, what does the room look like maybe some birds cherping out side (seeing how your going for a wonderfull happy morning waking up, before a bad thing happend). when you called it a **** whole give some details on why its a **** whole such as, "i can wait to leave this **** whole. I I wont miss any thing about it, how the floor creeks as I walk, or the power constantly going out". you have what it takes your still young l, buy think you can go somewhere with writing don't give up.

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Read this small rewritten piece? Have I improved as a writer?

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