Would you care to comment/critique the first poem in a series?

Question

"Journeying to Truth
Part the First"

It seems I write in rhyme of late,
I cannot rise above.
Metal wraps around my hands,
form-fitting like a glove.

I begged the gods for wisdom;
they turned my heart to stone.
Transmute it into flesh once more,
all secrets will be known.

Walk the lonely road, dear soul,
forget the ways of speech.
Silence alone can make you whole
you face this world, too weak.

I turned away from pantheons,
eyes changed from blue to black.
My hands were steel, my heart was stone,
I could get neither back.

So I traipsed the ways of quiet,
imprisoned in my mind.
Words rattled caged inside my brain,
no respite could I find.

Until a spirit stranger,
with horns and halo too
said "When you are alone, my child,
language belongs to you.

Forget the words of masters,
those seeds already sown.
Throw away this ancient clay,
mold something new, your own."

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

and then so be it
you must do as you have found 
and follow in your own foot steps the path that  you have found 
leave a lesson 
legend
a message of your own, own the dream and 
roll it out like carpet


... roll on

hey you !

? · Answer

It scans and rhymes well but is a little pretentious - transforms it into flesh--- transmute wrong word and mould something new, not mold.  Keep going but be sure you know what you mean because if you are just trying to impress with words like pantheons - (in what context are you using this word?) readers will see thru' it.

Don't mean to criticize for its own sake.  Hope I've been constructive.  I've been a poet for 30 years and started like you - now I use everyday words but in different ways from the expected.

You have all the tools - a sense of rhyme and timing, enjoy writing it but make sure the reader enjoys reading it.

? · Answer

The more I read of your works, the more those little pleasant tingles on the back of my neck that begin the cycle of innovative creativity are stirred. Your poems are so uncompromising as well as profoundly moving. I am adding you to the list of all time best number one poet. You may have to share the spot; just as I have about 50 poems in my top ten, I have four or five poets as # 1. I can't seem to bump anyone out so it just gets bigger and bigger. And I love it.

I also am fond of poems that come in a series. I can't wait for the next.

Welcome to your newest fan club!

Anonymous · Answer

Problematic lines for me: (where the words have no space is where the problem is)

you face this worldtoo weak. (the comma here doesn't help because of the beat)

Words rattledcaged inside my brain, (here a comma WOULD help.)

mold something newyour own. (here a hyphen MIGHT help.)

Anonymous · Answer

The strongest adviser is your heart. After that come the qualities of soul and mind (these are the most reliable!). The third, are the people that were true to you. True to everyone that is, and to you. Life is a path that we walk mostly alone. It takes prowess to walk on it, following a road of pride - even when it is hurtful. I would never accept advise from people that could not offer it to themselves or lived through belittled ways and manners. I decided to be alone than to succumb. This is my way - and this is their highway. You are welcome in posts as a companion of scripts, mind and soul. Comment any time, and never forget my words. I value you.

cassie58 · Answer

Your rhyme serves you well. The flow is excellent and I enjoyed the read Evadne. An enjoyable pen.
Thank you

the cheese whisperer · Answer

You  have a nice writing style--I'll be interested in reading the rest.

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Would you care to comment/critique the first poem in a series?

7 Answers