abusive and controlling partner?? any help or advise please?

Question

This is a long story but i am so desperate i am hoping someone can be bothered to read it.
I have been with my partner on and off for 7 years and we have 2 young children together a 6 month baby and a 2 year old. I also have a 9 year old of my own.

Looking back i feel very stupid that i didn't realise sooner but basically the first 5 years were a constant cycle of him going back and forth between me and whoever else, he had a child with his ex i didn't know about until he was born, i stopped going out with my friends early on ( he did not) he wormed his way back more times than you can shake a stick at and turned me into a paranoid monster. I was constantly checking his phone, email etc...usually finding something, something i have never done before. I was evicted from my council house as he wouldn't help with rent. At 4 months pregnant i managed to find me and my kids another house only for him to blag his way back in and take that over too. This is where things got really bad, I had decided to stop the paranoia. It worked i started to trust him and he seemed to change. I relaxed them bam!!! Tables turned, i trusted him yet he suddenly didnt trust me. From 4 months pregnant on i have been accused of everything. I cant go out without him and if he ask he says get ready cos hell start going out. I don't have a problem if he genuinely wants to but there is such an underlying threat about the way he says it. I've been accused of sleeping with his friends, i took my kids to the farm and he quizzed me my daughter and my friends to make sure out stories added up, he sits and studies my phone for hours. He has been relentless to the point i don't know my own mind. He refused to pay the rent until i told the truth, another house we had to leave. I've had broken doors a broken phone, he's grabbed my hair when i've tried to walk away, when i refused to get out of the car one time he sat on me and pushed his elbow into me, he's raised his fists to me, he shouts at me in public, he abused me in a club once for telling his friends gf and not him that i was going to the toilette, he's asked for dna tests but never gets on done, ive had my wardrobe raided, fights caused with my family, he accused me of deleting a number i had texted and ranted and raved at me until he realised it was o2. 4 months ago i was at rock bottom as it was getting to the point where it was heppening every other day. He promised he would start to trust me and he did until 2 weeks ago. 1st i had a friend round for a dvd, he came home and started asking where id been  etc..said he'd seen me in a car on his way home. He hadnt, i told him so, i got annoyed as he didn't believe me and he went to bed sulking.
A few days ago was the incident where i'd been up a 4./5am for 5 days and he woke up accusing me of texting someone and deleting them. This went on for an hour until he saw it was o2.
Today, my friend asked me if i would like to go to a show which she has a spare ticket. I checked it with my partner and he said ok. Then he accused me of the ticket actually been mine  and i've planned it all. I've had enough. My mum is on holiday till thursday and i'm currently at her house. He says i owe him an applogy for overreacting or were over. I did get annoyed cause i'm sick of not been trusted. He says he only asked a few questions but it was the way he asked them i can t explain but i know they're loaded questions like who bought her them how many, who's going etc.....
I need help i now have no where to go and cannot go home. He traps me in and i feel cornered while he shouts at me or pours drinks over my washing or follows me round calling me names. I have no money and no one to turn to? please tell me that this isn't normal, my minds all over and i don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't need i told  you so's or it's my own fault i know it is but this is my life and it's terrifying..I would like to add, he has thrown things at me, grabbed me and pushed me as well as blocked my way out of rooms but never actually hit me. This is why he says he's not abusive

ron-D · Accepted Answer

Let's be honest here.  No one is going to bother reading your whole story with a headline like that.  You know he's abusive and controlling and you're still with him.  Furthermore, you quickly say you have children.  Your children are witness to this kind of behavior at home.  What kind of environment are you providing for them?  I don't care how much you think you love this man, he is hurting you and your children.  Do what's right for their sake.

? · Answer

You were definitely right whilst you said that abusers are terrified of being alone. I'm simply leaving my abusive husband now however I don't have any doubt he'll do the same stalking pursuits that yours is doing. I plan on getting a restraining order. I know they're most effective as just right as the paper they are typed on, however as a minimum if he shows up at my door or maintains phoning, i will be able to name the police & they are going to come and pick him up. These men are so controlling & pathetic that they simply can not handle the suggestion of any individual rejecting them can they? They know the connection is over, but they only will not quit. They treat us like crap, but then when we have now had adequate and go away, they are not able to understand why! For some reason they cannot even remember all the horrible matters they did to us to make us hate them. IMO, they are narcissistic, emotionally immature & socially inept people who need tons of medication (not that they'd ever go of direction). Right? Please get a restraining order & document at any time when he calls you or harasses you in anyway (even though he calls your household or acquaintances to try & get data on you... Depend that as harassment). Quality of good fortune. I am hoping he's out of your existence soon.

rock of ages · Answer

Usually when someone accuses you of something they are the ones doing the wrong. If you don't rid yourself of him you will live a life of misery. Afraid to go anyway or dress like you like to or afraid to talk to people because of what he may think. It's called control and not love. This man has some kind of insecurities don't let him pull you down in it. And his actions are not normal. If he throws things at you and pushes you that is abuse. He might not think so, but what happens one day when he really gets anal. He might really hurt you. There are men out there that will treat you right don't settle for him. And if I were you I wouldn't apologies to him, instead he owes you one.
Seek help. If you are not ready to leave but you are tired of being hurt verbally and emotionally, seek professional help for yourself. This can be a support group for domestic violence or a counselor or therapist. If you don't seek help for yourself you risk developing severe emotional problems, such as low self esteem, suicidal thoughts, depression and personality changes.

Anonymous · Answer

He IS abusive. Just because he hasn't broken any bones or blackened your eyes doesn't mean he's not. 
The bottom line is your children are living in an unhappy home. If you don't think they can sense it, think again. 

Leave this guy. He is setting an example for your children and I seriously doubt you think he's a good enough guy to be teaching them how to be adults.

Dr. Joseph · Answer

A lot of emotionally disturbing interactions and abuses. This certainly is not a positive environment for anyone to live with young children. What I see is certainly a lot of physically abusive signs in his actions. Get support in this situation and take a firm decision either to challenge him with a view to correct him or to let him go. Why suffer physically, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually?

Rocky · Answer

yes I have been in an abusive relationship, but first they manipulate you to believe that your incapable of getting a job, or living by yourself (on social service/welfare)  They convince you that you need them because you would fail on your own...AND THAT is why you go back or don't leave in the first place.


Truth is I know a friend with 5 children ages 8 months to 9 years old left an abusive man and went on to work for the first time hated it at first but loved it when she learned to recognize good people who were good friend because work if you let it will be your social outlet (well what you do with true friends you meet at work) you like her will be able to "trade" setting with someones children for a setter when you want to go out.  Think of this over 50% of marriages end in divorce and most leave the mother with children, and we have to work together to not put up with bad behavior from men...for our children's sake so they will have a better change to find a better man.

In love even an abusive relationship there is NO BLAME once you awoke to the real facts about him, and you stayed one day more than you started allowing him to treat you like that.

The hardest part is being strong enough to say out loud to him and every person you meet when they start treating you in a way you do not want or like..."I do not like it when you....I have the freedom to not have you in my life/to not allow myself to be treated like that...to choose what I want to do with my life and when I want to do it"  (it is a free country somewhat and God did give you free will so use them both to your advantage.


I lived separately from my ex but still dated for a while just so I had a place to get away from him and his mean spirit because I loved him and was trying to make it work, for a while he did too. but then he realized he lost control and moved on (it was unsafe for me to move on first I really think he would kill me.)  

It was a tooth and nail struggle...and I've learned its easier now to move out of state when I break up...but it took 3 bad men for me to stop allowing their kind into my life...see you chose to be sucked into the relationship so you need to avoid relationships once your ready to move on till you fix yourself...try Journaling it helped me.

Jilleen · Answer

He very abusive abusive dont only meen beet you an hit you. he vilent all smae THROW thing at you!!!! grab you pour stuff on lawndrie spy on your stuff. never speek to this man again no good and no good for your kids.

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abusive and controlling partner?? any help or advise please?

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