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Would You Please Take a Look?

“My mother always told me to not play with fire-” Sara started.

“Would you just get to the point?” I interrupted.

According to my phone, it was getting late, and I was getting tired. On top of that, there was no way in Hell that I was spending the night at her house again, not after what happened last time.

“Jesus, Penny. It was just getting good,” Matt, her ex-boyfriend, winked at me.

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him. Instead, I shrugged, “my dad wants me,” the lie came easily.

“That’s illegal.” Matt teased.

Yeah, well, so is trying to take advantage of an under-aged girl, I thought. I rolled my eyes, noticing that Sara was watching us closely.

“May I continue?” She said, hurt lacing her words.

“If you hurry,” I sighed, allowing my eyes to close.

Sara took a dramatic breath, and launched back into her tale. “My mother always told me to not play with fire. As you both know, I never did listen that well. A few summers ago, I was out camping – Matt, you remember? You were there.”

Matt and I both sighed at the same time. Did she really have to repeat this story? She’s told it so many times, and for whatever reason, it always seems to change slightly.

I was getting uncomfortable, sitting on her floor while she took up the bed, and Matt had the chair. I guess that’s what happens when one shows up late.

“Please, just get to the point,” I begged closing my eyes. “I don’t want to get grounded again.”

I would have just left, but I didn't want the silent treatment from my only friend for God knows how long, so I sat there and tried to urge her on. Sara was stubborn though. She'd get to her point when she felt like it, and not before.

“It was in the middle of summer, and we had the camp all set up for the week. Matt had to go take a leak or something. Anyways, I was alone with the lighter in my hand, trying to get it to work so I could light the fire-” She stopped again. “Matt!” She scolded, throwing a pillow at him. “Stop staring at poor Penny.”

I opened my eyes, and sure enough, he was staring. I arched an eyebrow, but quickly sat up taller and straightened my shirt out. Matt winked at me again, and I barely suppressed a shudder.

“Anyway, I lit the fire, and went out looking for Matt, because I was lonely, and he’d been gone an awful long time. The next thing I remember, I’m waking up again and Matt’s talking me into drinking some Jack with him. And that’s how I ended up in the middle of nowhere -naked.”

I couldn't seem to remember her forgetting anything, drinking any Jack or being naked in any of the other versions, but I just shrugged.

"Well, guys, it's been real, but it's time for this bird to fly back to her nest. Adios."

___

Questions? Comments? Critiques? Helpful hints? Anything else? Please and Thank You!

6 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Critique #1: Don't be afraid to use "said"

    You keep using other words like "begged" and "scolded" and "sighed".... Use them only when you REALLY mean it. If you overuse them it makes you sound like a young, amateur writer who doesn't know when to use strong verbs and when to use normal ones. Especially with dialogue, let the words themselves speak, not the dialogue tags.

    Comment: It'd be nice to get a bit of context. Like, what does she think of the people around her, not just seeing how they act, but her opinions on them.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It's very, very well written. I'd like to know a little bit more, as said before, about the context and who these characters are. In the short exerpt, you've given the relationships between them in a seamless and natural way and it fits very well.

    Good luck, thank you for answering my question!

  • 9 years ago

    It's very good! I do have one question though, is this the beginning of the story? I like your writing style and all the details you include. Where would I be able to read more of this? I'm really interested :)

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It is great! Can you email me the whole thing, please! I want to read on. I will give suggestions too, after reading the whole thing, but that is, if you need any, seeing that you are already so good.

    And yes, I agree. Use said.

    Add me as a contact. I have started writing too. :)

  • 9 years ago

    It's really good! You should make a MissLiterati account, I would totally subscrtibe to your book!

  • 9 years ago

    one question...can i read more? it sounds good

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