Please I need help on my story?

The bell rang just as I finished writing down my homework assignment. I quickly checked my schedule. Lunch next then Trigonometry.

The teacher said something to Juan as I shoved my stuff back into my backpack. "Since you both have lunch now, why not show Evelyn around?"

Please not him! If I'd been an ostrich my head would have found a hole.

Juan shrugged, moved the books he carried from one hand to the other, and gave me a half smile. "Okay, but..." He turned and said something to the teacher I wasn't able to overhear.

Did he want to show me around or not? A group of girls stood listening to every word being said on my behalf. If the death glares they were giving me spelled anything other than trouble, I'd have to be convinced. Richard gave me the exact same looks...and then the pain and tears always followed. Shudders ran through me. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes momentarily to regain my composure.

The bathroom was just down the hallway. Hanging out in a stall for a while sounded like a good idea. I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulder, ready to walk out of the room. But someone grabbed my arm before I could get to the door. It was Juan. That surprised me.

"So we going or not?" he asked. This time the smile he offered felt more genuine.

My heart jumped to my throat. Ignoring the beasts that stood watching me, I tried to smile, failed, then managed a nod.

Tighten your dialogue. The story needs to flow better, feel more natural. Get your paragraphs right. Every time speakers change, a new paragraph should begin. It needs to feel real. It's got me interested, though. Good luck.

Juan might be showing her around...and they get in a fight. The guy is usually the one who apologizes. But this time have her be the one who can't sleep. They see each other for a couple days at school. Girls are more beastly because Juan notices her...but doesn't talk to her.

Some of the girls pull a practical joke on her in one of her classes.

Have her find out where Juan lives, throw rocks at his window, and tell him she's sorry...one night after she's been beaten and can't sleep.

There has to be a problem, though. Is the problem going to be the abusive father? Is he a stepfather? Does the father get drunk, then beat her? Does she try to hide the bruises? How can Juan help her best? The two of them need to go through a process of discovery that you show your readers. Perhaps they end up with each other in the end. Perhaps, though she's freed of her father, the girl and Juan go their separate ways.

I would just have him show her around through school! If she has a crush on him, she should be thinking about how handsome he is. If she doesn't, and he does, she should be thinking about how strange it is that he's being SO nice. Just put yourself in Evelynn's shoes. What would you dwell upon? Maybe those girls that give her the death stares confront her about Juan during lunch.

Make sure you think bout Evelynn's personality, too. Is she shy? Is she outgoing? Is she kind? Does she think about others before herself? Is she confident? All these traits need to be expressed in a story. If you're stuck, write a list of things about Evelynn and write a paragraph that conveys one of those things.

Hope I helped!

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You're the ugly duckling.