Proof read my intro for AP English?

Question

I am going into 12th grade AP English. I know this is the University section, but I though that more people might be here and that you'd be more helpful than the primary and secondary education section.

The prompt is: "Death of a Salesman depicts a conflict between a parent and a son. Write an essay in which you analyze the sources of the conflict and explain how the conflict contributes to the meaning of the work. Avoid plot summary"

Ancient Greek bards tell us that, in the beginning, the Titans ruled the entire universe with an iron fist. Their king was Uranus. But that changed when he was killed from a conflict with his own son, Cronus, who took the throne for himself. Cronus, in turn, was eliminated by a coup d’état led by his son, Zeus. Since parental conflict is present even in the earliest foundation of our Western Culture, it is no surprise that it has always been a cornerstone of our stories. It manages remains fresh throughout the ages because it is so much a part of the human experience. But Arthur Miller goes above and beyond with “Death of a Salesman,” infusing this classically aged conflict with criticisms of contemporary materialism. In essence, this screen play is driven by conflict between a father and son about what makes a man successful and happy, it Is a commentary on problematic interpretations of the American dream.

Thanks for any help you can offer.

G K · Accepted Answer

It's evident that you are very good at stringing thoughts together to generate prose. So I'll be tough.
1. Avoid clichés.
 "it is no surprise that it has always been a cornerstone of our stories" [no surprise] [it has always been. . .] [Miller goes above and beyond . . .] [infusing this classically aged conflict. . .] 
2. Avoid repetition
 "It manages remains fresh throughout the ages because it is so much a part of the human experience"
{says nothing new}
3. Here's the only real proof reading:
*It manages remains. . .  (should be)  "It manages to remain"

Here's the real tough part: All the nice words and phrases haven't answered the central question: What are the sources of the conflict in "Death of a Salesman"? In your intro, at least allude to some incidents or character flaws specific to Miller's work that you will develop in your analysis.

Present a unique perspective from your own reading and analysis to the reader.

@Adele-- "whom"  cannot be used as you suggest.  . . "who rules with an iron fist" is a relative clause. "Who" is the subject of the clause. I see no "it's" in the 4th line. Eric's original sentence [it is no surprise that it has. . .] is grammatically correct. Also, "apart" as one word is incorrect in your suggestion. Things fall apart. (one word) The story is a part of the human experience. (two words)
  Let's help Eric, not confuse things!

Eric-- I'm glad to see you're planning to remove that whole distracting sentence. I'd still like to see an allusion to something in the play that leads in to your thesis about "a commentary on problematic interpretations of the American Dream."  Lots of people think that. Specifically, what (new) insight do you have about it?

Adele Lo · Answer

for the first three sentences, how about "Ancient Greek bards tell us that in the beginning, the Titans ruled the entire universe with their king Uranus, whom ruled with an iron fist." 
also *it's not its in the four line.
*it manages to remain fresh for your fifth line.
The human experience, a bit vague eh? Why not dab a bit in there and use some examples of why it's apart of the human experience from the text; teachers (ESPECIALLY AP teachers) love it when you back up what you say with examples to prove you know what you're saying. 
* it is for your eighth line.
*ninth line: doesn't make sense. Do you mean ".. about what makes a man successful and happy, and is a commentary problematic interpretation of the American dream"
and how is this an interpretation of the American dream?
please, back up with you say with valid examples from the text on how this is the American dream.

? · Answer

I feel you will have to learn Daughter of Destiny: An Autobiography. It used to be written via Benazir Bhutto. I have not learn it, however I do understand that she led an excessively exciting lifestyles earlier than she used to be killed overdue final yr. You could desire to examine it out. It appears promising.

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Proof read my intro for AP English?

3 Answers