What can I do to stop this negative thoughts and emotion inside of me?

Question

This is my first time reaching out to people online and I am doing so because I have ran out of ideas. Here's a little background: I have always been a loner, never was able to make friends but somehow I managed to make a lot of enemies, therefore I was always singled out and picked on so I spent most of my elementary hiding out to avoid being punked and would come home, hide out in this small garage room and sleep all day to avoid dealing with my family. My mother always thought that I just liked sleeping a lot, and till this day I'm not sure if she knows the truth. Middle and high school were a lot better, had some friends but still felt depressed. After high school I guess my life began, fell in love, had a horrible relationship of almost 4 years and was left devastated. So much that I even tried to change myself with plastic surgery, which didn't come out so good, and left me  more self-conscious than I was before. I spent the next few years after that partying a lot, drinking heavenly, trying drugs, and having a lot of unprotected sex. That took a toll on my body, reputation, grades, and money. Moving on, for the past 5-6 years I have been dealing with trying to overcome social anxiety and the low self esteem that my actions have left me with. I have tried everything, exercising, yoga, reading, hiking, listening to spiritual teachers, eliminating the ego, meditating, stop going out and drinking, prescription meds, and nothing seems to work for me. I don't feel like I am making any progress at all, on the contrary, I feel like I'm losing it and reaching that point where suicide seems like the only way out. I am very successful in my professional life, but the more I climb the corporate ladder, the more I despise the world and how phony people are. I have trouble speaking in public which frustrates me because I feel more competent than others, and yet my ideas never get heard. I always feel like an idiot when I get nervous and can't control what I say or how I say it, so many times I come off as a jackass. I go all day thinking about how boring I am, how my life sucks, how ugly I am, how stupid it is for me to feel this way, how ungrateful I am to complain when I could be much worse, and no matter how much I tell myself that it is all in my head, I can't seem to find clarity and peace of mind. I believe that I am a very nice person, I love helping others and I have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me, but I still can't manage to forgive and love myself. Tonight I was walking my dog, and for no apparent reason I grew so frustrated with him that I felt like strangling him, and then I got mad because I couldn't seem to get rid of that emotion and there was no one who could help me out. That's why I am reaching out to anyone who has felt this way before and somehow has managed to overcome these thoughts and emotions. I am open to any ideas or suggestions.

? · Answer

I have felt this way my whole life... I am still feeling it to. I understand what you are going threw. It sucks! I have no friends I have a really good boyfriend though. But I feel like I can't go out in public or anything... Whenever I do people always look at me weird and talk **** behind my back. Call me ugly,fat,whore,slut,waste of space.. I would always pretend I was sick so I wouldn't have to go to school. I would cut myself all the time just to get the emotional pain away... I have almost killed myself multiable times. I don't do that anymore because I realized its not worth it. I am more confident in myself then I have ever been. When people call you names its always because they are jealous. You need to be more confident in yourself and not worry what other people think that's what I have been working on a lot. Look in the mirror everyday and say something you like about yourself or how you can improve something and make it happen. Don't look in the mirror an think you are ugly... God made you the way you are for a reason. Dont cut yourself like I have you will only regret it! Don't think about suicide either! Nothing is more important than your life.. You only get one! Live life the way you want it to be! Make it happen! Don't slow down for the people that are mean you will always meet new and wonderful people that will always be by your side threw good times and the bad. Get out in the world and make it happen!(: I hope I helped...(:

Aaron · Answer

Wow, heavy question for 2 in the morning but i will take a swing. Siddhartha (Buddha) has a Famous saying, "life contains suffering". I to have experienced almost all of what you have experienced almost to the bitter end.No joke. There is a book called the problem of pain by C.S. Lewis that talks about the very nature of suffering. That was Buddhas entire life, the cure of suffering. The main question is this. If there is a God and he is all power full and all "Good" why does he put us through such S*it. He either lacks power or goodness. Its the oldest question in the book buddy and I don't know if It has ever been answered fully. All i know is that I myself suffer from a sever lack of perspective. It is easy to focus on the bad but I guarantee there is someone out there that is suffering worse. I know it sounds cliche but the only thing that gets me out of my own head is to help someone else. Good luck friend.
 Oh and here is one more thing try spending some time in a third world country. maybe get shot at a couple of times, that might give you some perspective eh? seriously

Anonymous · Answer

What about making an appointment with a therapist? Sometimes it helps. It's also possible that, not only do you have depression, but you're also lonely. Make an effort to get out of your house as much as you can. Go to a senior center where you can make friends or sign up for other activities that will get you meeting new people. Can you work? Maybe find a part time job that will get you out of the house or volunteer somewhere.

Wendy · Answer

You just seem frustrated with life, everyone falls in love and sometimes break ups do have a negative affect on us, but you shouldn't let that interfere with your life, because its not your fault, sometimes things just don't work out, suicide is for cowards, and guessing since you're on here writing this to a bunch of strangers i know you're not a coward. Life isn't perfect, everyone's fighting battles, seriously. I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through, and I won't sit here and pretend like I know how you feel, but hang in there, keep your chin up, you've got to go through the rain to get the sunshine right ?

Yazeed · Answer

Follow Islam rules, and learn it. You will become a feature person in your society. 

Regards, Yazeed :-)

niraj · Answer

just listen to music' blues or any music which can divert ur mind' music is best medicine

Anonymous · Answer

2 long a question, i didnt read it all, just do watt i do, get drunk, i feel much better now

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What can I do to stop this negative thoughts and emotion inside of me?

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