Is this guy I met online safe?? (OCD)?

Question

Honest, sensitive answers only please.

So I met someone the other day on a common internet dating site. We messaged back and forth for a few weeks before deciding to meet, and when we met things went pretty well. He was very polite, gentle, non-threatening, honest, and humble. I don't necessarily have romantic inclinations towards him, but we got on really well and I think we would both like to stay friends in the future. 

During our initial online conversations, he admitted to me that he has struggled with severe OCD and depression in the past and is still recovering from what I understand to be a breaking point in his condition earlier this year. We are both young people who have suffered severe setbacks in our lives due to unusual medical conditions, (I've got a chronic, misunderstood nerve disease) so it was a matter we were able to bond on somewhat. He told me that he entered an inpatient program and has worked hard to reach a level where he can function essentially normally in day to day life. He certainly behaved normally when I met him, showing no aversion to any type of contamination exposure, which is what his particular disorder centered around. He was able to pet my service dog, share food and drinks, take a bite with my spoon, etc. He didn't even flinch when my dog had to take a pitstop on a walk. 

Over the next few weeks we continued to talk and decided to hang out again. After another very normal outing, we stopped by his apartment so that he could show me his zen garden. Now I'd gotten some insight into the severity of his OCD through our conversations, and I tried not to judge him because I know how much it hurts to be judged for something you cannot control, but what I saw in his apartment was still rather shocking. 

At first it seemed just like a normal college student's studio, perhaps a bit tidier, but fairly unexceptional. He had a specific carpet near the door where you had to stand before removing your shoes, which wasn't too unusual. As I got further in I noticed that he had a washing machine in his room, which is hard to find around here, and he said he had it installed before entering treatment. I noticed quite a bit of tape on the floor and he explained that it was there also from before his treatment because when something he viewed as 'unclean' touched the floor, he would cover the area it touched with tape. I again brushed it off in an attempt to be understanding and we talked about his lovely garden for a while. On my way out, I happened to glance into the bathroom and it completely took me aback. It looked like something I had seen on some crime investigation show. The floor and the walls were covered in layer upon layer of aluminum foil and tape. Still other components had been plastic wrapped and duct taped and otherwise completely covered. He made a move to close the door and I pretended I hadn't seen anything. After that, he walked me back to my car and we said goodnight and agreed we should meet again sometime. 

After I got home I started mulling over the images from his apartment and I felt slightly uneasy about the potential for continuing a friendship with him. I feel terrible for suspecting him of being potentially dangerous because he suffers from a medical condition, but I have to remind myself to be extremely careful as I am a petite, disabled, woman and I did meet him online and have been taught that anything out of the ordinary is cause for greater scrutiny. He's given me no cause for concern in the way that he treats me, or the way he acts towards things around him, and he is a very nice person and I feel doubly bad for judging him. So I suppose my question is this: Are these compulsions remainders of a fairly benign condition? Are these symptoms common of patients with OCD? Is there anything about the information provided above that should raise any red flags? Am I judging this poor young man unfairly? How can I stay cautious and yet still remain sensitive to his condition? Are there any resources out there that could help me understand his condition better?

I hope you can help! Sorry to be so long-winded, but I wanted to be thorough!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

OCD is caused mostly by an disfunctioning singulate neucleus(a small part of the brain). Some medications and therapy helps them to function if not to severe. Do be aware that Many people with OCD have other mental health problems. The therapy helps in a way that is a little deceiving to the outside world. That means it teaches them to remove the symptoms from other sight/knowledge. Mental illness is a stigma so the sooner they hide it the sooner they are not treated as poorly and the persons life gets 'better' mostly because of that. Some health perfessional consider their job done at that point. As stated earlier they may have other mental health issues they hide. Some may not show up to the point of disfunction because of medication. You will probably never know he has them(other mental health issues)  till months later when too late after you have a relationship with him. Usual signs of additional mental illness usually include passive-aggressive behavior,lying, disrespeect of others feelings,refusing responsibilities,  over all deception, an air of self-centeredness, constantly 'letting you down', sabotaging your personal goals.(basically many mentally ill use passive-aggressive behavior to function.

Do be aware that most seriously mentally ill do not consider criminal behavior a crime if it happens inside a relationship. They will not see slandering behind your back a problem. Neither do they give much thought to verbal abuse or even physical abuse. Many consider physical abuse as a relationship problem rather than a crime. They may consider 'barrowing' money they can't/won't payback to be a misunderstanding not scamming.  If they did something behind your back, then it is not deception to them because they didn't lie to you directly. If you are intent on keeping the relationship then be very slow to commit to anything and look for the above warning signs that he may have concurrant illness that is severe. I am not saying all with OCDbhave other illness, I am saying it is a large probability.
  
A word on internet dating: we all know that crinimals frequent popular free websites for dating. What some don't stop to think about is that they also frequent paid sites. There are many criminally minded people who can afford to pay 50 or even 100 dollars to join a site. It wouldn't surprize me if they were more than willing because it would produce 'better victims' who have more time/money/are more unsuspecting.

Look for people to meet through friends/work/church/college/other social groups.

It is my opinion that what you did is dangerous. The real prediator will not do anything out of place to establish trust. No one who has intention of causing you harm/using you for sex or scaming you for money would do or say anything to let you know because that would be self defeating for them. They instead look for for good victims who are empathetic and/or a loner. They play on sympathies and the victims personal/emotional needs. Some one who doesn't judge AT ALL, is empathetic, and lonely is their perfect victim. Please go look in the mirror.

He has had time to email you. Why did he not have time to remove the tape/foil in his apartment? This is a clue for you. There are TWO obvious reasons. Think them through.

Julia · Answer

i would say stay friends but if you feel THAT uncomfortable then just say in touch via email and meet up for coffee on neutral ground. keep it casual and let yourself get to know him better before you go back to his place alone again. if he is getting treatment you might see him change and really lighten up over the coming months. either way, there is no need to cut him off, just stay friends on the level you feel comfortable with. i doubt he would want anything too serious, intense or intimate anyway. people with OCD KNOW its odd and find it hard to trust people.

Yellow belly 24 · Answer

I guess you always have to be careful when meeting someone you met online but it sounds like he's doing we'll in his recovery. I bet that was a really difficult thing for him to let you Ito his home. He must feel he can trust you quite a lot.

Bob · Answer

You need to understand that people who frequent online dating sites are normally desperate for either companionship (because they can't attract people in real life), or for sex.

When you use an online site like this, you are taking a risk and must accept that risk when you "find" someone..

Steve · Answer

You can trust him, he doesn't seem dangerous, just slightly mentally ill. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, there is nothing you should be cautious about. Don't worry.

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Is this guy I met online safe?? (OCD)?

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