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I'm wondering if someone can have a look at this and tell me what they think of it so far? Thanks?

Blue walls, a deep turquoise blue. On the walls hang little paintings, with inspiring quotes on them. A single bed against the window, a green shag rug. On it sit a guy and a girl, huddled around a laptop with coffee cups in their hand, leaning against the bed. A mirror hangs, on the adjacent side of the room, framed with faded pictures and old memories. In the mirror, a reflection can be seen, of the study table, cluttered with books, medals and trophies as if to hide the girl’s various accomplishments. The boy reaches over to the dark oak side table beside him, slowly sliding his fingers across the smooth surface, stopping now and then, to touch the various trinkets that sit atop it. The girl watches as his mouth contorts into a soft smile before he turns his bright blue eyes around to face her. She lifts up a slender finger to flick the long, black locks of hair out of her face. The charm bracelet on her arm jingles. Below sparse lace of cardigan, goosebumps. The boy guy shuffles over and reaches back for his grey sweater and swiftly puts it around the girl’s shoulder. She smiles gratefully.The girl reaches over with her blood red painted nails and hits the green triangle on the screen. Then she pulls the hoodie more securely around her shoulder. The screen goes blank and her shoulder tenses. They stare intently at the buzzing screen; heads so close they were almost touching, the coffee cups all but forgotten. Slowly, as the music begins, she relaxes back against the bed. A movie starts playing on the screen. The guy glances over at her. Their eyes meet, and he they grins at each her. Slowly the guy brings the cup of scalding hot coffee to his lips as he carefully watches colour rise up to the girl’s cheeks. She blushes and looks away. The movie ends, music stops, the screens goes blank again. The room is enveloped in a peaceful silence as the girl and her companion sit on the green shag rug, thinking. The bright blue light of the alarm clock on the side table changes as the minutes pass. 5 minutes pass. As the clock hit 7:07, suddenly, as if risen from a slumber, they look up at each other, almost simultaneously. it seems. The wheels turn, in their head, as the same idea comes to both of them. Slowly, the girl reaches over to her side table and picks up a crinkled up piece of paper with the project details on it. She holds up the paper and carefully starts reading; the boy follows her bright hazel eyes as they scan the piece of paper. A dent appears in the middle of her forehead as she furrows her stick thin eyebrows in concentration. She sighs, and looks up briefly to notice the guy looking at her. Letting her dark black tresses fall from her shoulder so they covered her face, she continues to scan the piece of paper. She looks up slowly as a grin spreads across her beautiful face, putting her pearly white teeth on full display.

Update:

This is just a description of a scene that I was to write for my english class.

Update 2:

My assignment is only supposed to be concrete, nothing abstract

4 Answers

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  • Nick
    Lv 6
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's really vivid. I can picture every detail with razor clarity. By working in the present tense you really put me *in* the picture. It is supremely easy to read, so you clearly have a talent for writing.

    But, erm, I don't get it. I mean, nothing really happened. Was it supposed to be like that? I was sort of expecting something to happen. Hoping...

    Neither the guy nor the girl seem to notice the movie, was it long? I'm not sure I got that.

    I'm guessing there is some kind of implied-but-unspoken intimacy going on because of all the descriptions of staring and awkwardness, but even that is a little vague.

    There are a few mistakes:

    "The boy guy shuffles..."

    "Their eyes meet, and he they grins at each her."

    ". it seems"

    "Letting her dark black tresses fall from her shoulder so they covered her face"

    Plus a few misplaced commas. I'm sure you'll spot all those after re-reading however.

    All in all I was really impressed by your descriptions, although sometimes you over did it. A little more of a story would have been nice (unless I'm missing the point) and perhaps and actual *point* to the excerpt. Maybe you could have given us some context.

    One more little suggestion: if you are going for intimacy then, after describing that there is a guy and a girl, perhaps you could refer to the guy as "him" and the girl as "her" at the beginning of some sentences.

    "She watches as his mouth contorts..."

    "He shuffles over and reaches back for his grey sweater..."

    "The guy" and "the girl" just sounds a bit naff. Sort of breaks the spell.

    Ok enough criticism. I really thought it was very good, you should be very proud.

    Keep writing!

  • 9 years ago

    I like your use of descriptive writing, but it's honestly not something I particularly care for. When I write, I try to put the most detail into only the IMPORTANT things . . . just makes it easier to read.

    I hope this helps!

    -Jane

  • 9 years ago

    That's really good! Paints a picture in my mind, you know? Keep on writing...

  • 9 years ago

    it looks good...sounds good...BUT i don't get at all what it's about Loooool

    Peace brahhh :)

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