What do I do with this relationship?

I have been with my boyfriend since late 2006 and feel I've found my soul mate, we are compatible in so many ways were like best friends and of course find each other attractive.

We met at university where we did different subjects and introduced by a mutual friend at the time, we of course had the honeymoon period with much talking, getting to know each-other dating and sex.

As we were students living in halls, we would sleep over at eachother's (student) place about 4-5 days a week, after 2 years and onwards I carried on my degree and living in halls but my boyfriend failed his due to getting into full time work; this was fine as we saw each-other regularly.

After my original degree date was extended for another year (4 years in total) we both moved into a shared flat which he and my parents paid for to also live with each-other for longer, this was an awful year for us as not only was he doing night-shifts and overtime hours, but I started various part time jobs while finishing my degree and he also had to visit his grandparents more as they needed light care help from him (as-well as light help from home care nurses).

Naturally from this, if I saw a "window open" that he is free I would wake him up or bug him until he wakes up so he can (rightfully) pay attention to me; a number of weeks before he told me that he has to move back with his grandparents once our flat rental has expired which made me feel unwanted and hurt.

by bad coincidence by the time our contract for flat expired, I had to move back home as I hadn't gained a job there and also my dad was terminally ill with cancer; so I had to give basic care to him until he died couple of months later.

Meanwhile I was severely depressed after his death, other loved-one's deaths, not gaining a job anywhere not even volunteering, i moved away from my student community and my relationship was on the rocks as all of this affected me so much I couldn’t feel any emotions anymore i was completely numb- I didn't belong anywhere and unwanted.

After many months, I was accepted into a further degree I threw myself into this and numerous jobs instead, as my boyfriend was now long-distance after our moves, his work and his grandmother getting ill, whenever the rare opportunity of him seeing me (every 2 weeks) and spending couple time together- i didn't want to know, my sex drive died, numerous resentments built up about him, I was in a way glad to be numb with depression as I feel he'd of hurt me further.

Now, years later I still have mind and emotion numbing depression, doesn’t want to have sex with him, doesn’t look forward to things, even a luxury 2 week holiday nothing is working.

All I dream of is the simple things which every1 else gets but me! I simply want to live with him again (can't, as its too expensive I don't have a job as I’m finishing my degree and he is working full time, living with and caring for his grandfather whom I resent!)

I'd also after the better part of a ******* decade like to be engaged and married to him by now, but he only talks about it and is all mouth.

With the housing register, he could of helped, researched with me, also filled out the forms and sent it (as its his area i was applying to) but he didn't!

We are still soul mates and apart from all that get on as freshly as we used to, but I dont think I can take this anymore; I love him so much he is like my husband in the respect of closeness how much we have been through and survived, he brings out the best in me and our journey together in life but him not living with me and with grandparent instead- I feel I'm not his number 1 which i cannot accept! He also should of helped and completed the housing forms while I still had a morsel of motivation left! and on top of it, stop his stupid expensive habits like gambling and weekend coke usage!

I feel he is selfish for not putting that money into a moving out fund for us (which I started myself and still am) he has not asked me to marry him rather talk about it loads instead without the ring! Yet he is the only one physically trying at the same time in driving to my home miles away from himself once a week and makes an effort in being with me.

He is making an effort at times yet he is stuck in circumstance, I am not sure if i've lost feelings for him or if it’s still the depression I love him but I already despise him due to all these blocks in our relationship.

What do I do???