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Please help me with my English Essay?
Hi guys, I am actually learning English at school and I am witting an essay. Please revise it and tell me what I should change and how to make it better. Thanks a lot.
After some months, Wancy called to his house and I was there visiting them and they told him I was there. He wanted to talk with me and they passed me the phone. He told me he was still going to church and growing up with God. He also told me about the new city he was living in, he said it was named Denver, Colorado and it was just amazing. He also told me about snow; it was beautiful and really cold. After that, Wancy asked me for my number because he wanted to talk more with me. That was a great day for me, I was surprised that I’ve talked with Wancy after long time of not seeing him. Many days later, he called me and honestly I thought he would had forgotten my number and he wasn’t going to call me anymore. I was living with my grandma and she didn’t let me use the phone during night hours. That day, I told Wancy I was going to travel to USA ( about in 2005) because my mom was getting me legal documents, then, I gave him my mom’s number in Los Angeles, Ca.
1 Answer
- 8 years ago
Hey,
Some ideas for improvement would be to condense your sentences. Some things get a little repetitive. For example, you say, "Wancy called to his house and I was there visiting them and they told him I was there." The part where you say "and they told him I was there" is unnecessary because you mention in the next sentence that he wanted to talk to you.
I know some things like this after mentioning all the little details but that is not always important. You could also focus on describing the scene a bit to give a picture of what this house looks like that you are staying in.
There are some minor grammar mistakes, so would be good to revise. Its always a good idea to go away for a bit, then come back to your work and read it out loud. This can help to catch minor errors and fix sentence structure.