Would you be annoyed by this or am I being irrational?

Question

My boyfriend and his mother have been on their own since he was was young. They moved all around to different countries, I assume in search of success. When my boyfriend was 12, they moved here to the U.S. for a good education.

My boyfriend is 24 years old and we've been together almost a year now. We are pretty serious and we've already talked about moving out in the future as we both still live home, which I thought was only a matter of finances.

Heres the thing, I do not like his mother. She always has snide comments about the major I took up in school and seemingly tries to compete me with things like money (none of her business), jobs, etc. and I think she believes, Im taking her baby away so to speak.

Awhile ago, his mother brought up to me HER "5 year plan". Again with her snobbish attitude she tells me she was only planning to stay in this area a few years and then move out of state. A few months later, my boyfriend starts talking about a plan to go there and how I should think about it too. At that point I had to ask whether that was his plan or his mothers, he assured me it was his.

Meanwhile, I've had a very different dream. I wanted to temporarily live in an entirely different state to continue my education for many valid reasons of my own. I've put alot of thought in to it and I promised myself I wouldnt give up on that on account of a guy. When I asked him about considering that instead, he started choking up and told me "I cant leave her", meaning his mother.

His mother and him always say how its always been just them. In some ways its nice as they've had the luxury of moving around, but they also like to use that to bash this country, which seriously annoys me as well. On top of that, she also tells me how dependent she is on her son, "and I mean 100%". My boyfriend pays for nearly half if not more of everything. In her little competitions with me, she'll also have to tell me about all these degrees she has, yet she just started working PRN.

She has no friends and is constantly dating new guys, but she always finds something wrong with them. Shes been married twice, once I know was for money, as she seems to be obsessed with rich men. Once she even tried pushing my boyfriend toward dating a woman who was a Dr. That said, she always telling me that Im only going to make X amount of money with my degree.

I dont think my boyfriend is ever going to get off the apron strings and I find this putting us at odds more than not. Wherever she goes, I know he will follow. When we talked about moving out, he also said that perhaps his mom could live with us for at least 6 months?! She is in her mid 40's and well, why and how could she live being dependent on her son at this point? the way he talks about these things is disgusting, I think she almost has him brain-washed into thinking how much SHE needs HIM.

Margot · Accepted Answer

He is firmly attached to his mother's apron strings.  Considering that the average lifespan, is this a situation that you would find tolerable for the next 40 years of your life. He is as dependent on his mommy as she is on her son.

It doesn't matter how his relationship with his mom SHOULD BE. You have to look at it as it IS.  And this is a guy who when the two of you talk about moving in together, he wants his mommy to live with you for at least 6 months and who chokes up over leaving her.  This is not someone who is going to cut the cord or set firm limits with his mommy when she interferes in his future marriage.

Red flag. Cut your losses and move on.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand your dilemma, in my opinion the best advice I can give you is that you are not going to come between him and his mother, I am sorry to tell you that.  The only way you and him will work is if he cuts the strings to his mother and become his own person.  He is driven by the need to look after his mother because that is what he felt he needed to do when he was young and the reason is because of the mother.  A number of reasons this could be, the most common is because she was hurt by your boyfriends father and just felt like the only guy in her life that will always love her will be her son or maybe some other reason, either way the fact of the matter is that they have a bond that will not be broken easily and especially not by you.  When he is ready to leave the "nest" then he will leave, you can remain patient and hope it happens, but it probably will not happen.  I think the best thing for you is to focus on your career/life goals and if it is meant to be then it will happen and if it doesn't happen then you will find someone that is a better fit for you, without mommy issues.  Good Luck

Buffy The Vampire Slayer · Answer

If u don't like his mother then u need to leave because u will both tear him apart on the inside which is never ok and no matter what she is his mother and will always be there.

maza · Answer

it is not being irrational, yet don't get too worked up in this. Any detrimental emotion will influence your infant. the answer could be to tell them the form you experience, yet no longer in an exceedingly extreme, indignant way. only say it gently and courteously. Like "hi, it isn't superb" or "do no longer call him that. he's not even born and additionally you're already calling him names". in case you do no longer tell them the form you experience, they could think of this is pleased with you and could circulate on with it till your infant certainly arrives. bear in ideas, don't be too harsh.

Anonymous · Answer

sorry  . . . i know its serious and all but you have no idea how much this is like American Dad right now 
stan grew up with his mum 
mum dated loads of men 
stan's wife gets ignored when his mother is there 
stuff like that they have done one or two episodes on it.

? · Answer

I would answer but you have that STFU thing .

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Would you be annoyed by this or am I being irrational?

6 Answers