a daughter who's tired of being her own mother?

I didn't make it to my moms place, the next town over;10 miles for thanksgiving. I was sick. She is a reclusive widow that doesn't leave her trailor to even get the mail which is 10 feet from the front door. She blames this on her panic disorder, which I inherited, but chose to get help for. It sux. I have panic attacks all the time, but she won't take whatever she has left for panic due to no insurance. She has too much in the bank to qualify after selling the farm after my dad died. I am watching her body give out since she does not get off the couch. She is about 130 pounds but without a pound of muscle.

My boyfriend was disappointed that I didn't see her today since its christmas. I told her yesterday I would be there, even though she said she was not going to celebrate and she has given up on life. And I understand that all that matters was for me to visit her, but it is hard for me to see her because she lives with my brother who has anger problems.Hate. She has an escape plan and has had to lock herself in the bathroom because of him. And i understand. She's dying. My aunts and uncles don't do anything for her. They blame me and my brother for supplying her with booze, even though they are alcoholics too.

I honestly have had the stomach flu for weeks.....but I couldn't even call my mom. I can't get out of bed. I've just turned 29 and the mere thought of visiting her makes me scringe BECAUSE shes my best friend and not the latter.

My boyfriend came home to our apartment and yelled at me for isolating myself and being down. He comes from a big healthy family. We've been together for 11 years and he knows my situation.

I feel terrible. I could have atleast called my mom to say I was sick (which I was) but didn't. This is the third holiday I"ve been too depressed to visit my mom. I feel like a piece of crap. The only people she has in her life are me and my brother.

I just didn't want to go to the trailor (and my bf's apt. and mine isn't that great)....and try to put a smile on my face. But I could have.......instead I isolated myself and could'nt bear to pretend (like we all would) that things aren't messed up.

And say I would have went. I would have complained that I have the stomach flue and blah blah.....

The only thing that gets me out of bed is work because I know if I don't get up, I won't survive.