Another crappy poem. C/C if you wish?

Question

I don't generally like posting here since I'm actually trying to get published and if they've been anywhere online they cannot be used as they've lost their uniqueness, but today I'm making an exception. 

Q’tach

A room of black and red squares
Glowing, circling a ball
Held up high in the middle
By two hands.
Two blue hands
Of swerving electric water columns
And a bald priest
Dressed in pure white prays
In the name 
Of Q’lach
While the masses
Outside, in the city surrounded
By upright cliffs 
Covering from the sunlight.
So bright
It’s red
And turns sand into glass.
Here in Q’tach
Every will die
And love
Like us.

~~*Milieu*~~ · Accepted Answer

"I'm actually trying to get published and if they've been anywhere online they cannot be used as they've lost their uniqueness" (uniqueness can't be lost if a work is interesting, good or, well, unique)

A lot of times, depending on the editor, any poem posted online is considered already published even on a "workshop", you'll need to check submission guidelines for specific requirements.

As far as this work goes you have a lot of strange lines and awkward phrasing, but the main problem is the (fictional?) place you're writing about needs to be seen, explained in more detail, show me. Use fresh and specific images and language.

slinkard · Answer

I loved it - made some variations you should like yet i'd price this a sturdy write - to those who do not understnd poetry has many varieties rhyme is just one off them. What felt so correct became so incorrect an effortless lie gave the impression to be the reality Now right here i'm writing words that recommend no longer some thing to one human being yet the international to a distinct i'm drowning in Confusion won't be able to damage out it stuck no human being saving me no human being cares won't be able to swim out lost In Confusion, concern, and Darkness

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Another crappy poem. C/C if you wish?

2 Answers