It appears I'm heading towards divorce. My wife and I have not been getting along.?

If she doesn't want to work it out, then its over. time to move on. But ask her first if she is willing to go to Marriage Counseling. staying in love is hard work, but it takes 2. Everyone deserves to feel love...

My heart breaks for you, to be in a marriage where you are just there to be there is horrible, you have a right to feel love and to have the feeling of being wanted. It's hard to keep trying when the other doesn't want to try.. Im sure you are at a point where you are starting to morn the person and the relationship you lost . You have probably asked a thousand why and what could I have done different.

You want to do whats best for your children and not have them suffer through a divorced family life, your self esteem has drooped and the Sparkle in your eyes are gone. No I do not know you, but I have lived in your shoes.

You finally have to do whats best for you and work on helping your children survive whatever situation you decide to choose.

I wish you the best of luck and the next time you are alone feel free to write anytime.

Jennifer in Virginia

jenniferhelen1919@yahoo.com

Your boys need you stay married to their mom. Go and watch tv with your family. You are loved here by your sons and she does have a problem. I would start being intimate by being useful around the house. I would be really paying attention to her if she speaks and back up what she says to the kids. I would rub her feet with lotion. I would rub her shoulders etc. You are not tolerated, believe me she has a problem and I would find a time to ask her to forgive you even if she would not tell you. She is putting up a wall for a reason. Anyway pray about this, Mother Teresa of Calcutta has a healing prayer called Jesus My all in all" found online. I will be praying for your marriage too. ps you might ask a relative of hers what her problem is?

You are in a really unhealthy marriage right now, but you have children, so you can try to ask your wife for you both to go to counselling and fix the issues that are there....if she refuses and you can't make it work then you both need to work out a plan moving forward and equal care of the children....right now enjoy your time with the children, take them out and have fun...join up with other family members/friends going out and take your children and start enjoying your life and the time with your children...can't do much about your wife unless she wants to change.

Just stay with her till your boys are adults and independent and then divorce her.Otherwise if you do now you could end up wasting money on child support.Plus waiting till your sons grow up and become independent has it's own benefits as they will always respect you for the fact that despite your problems with their mother you stayed there at least so that their future was good and this will in turn keep your sons close to you even in your old age when you require them the most.

What i would do in this exact instance is call up a good old friend, crack a 24 pack of beer and drink until that spot on the wall looks like it means something. Trust me i've been through a bit, not nearly what u are, but i'd say this is a good occassion for it. plus side it's new years eve tomorrow so who cares if you have a hang over. btw Asparagus is wonderful for preventing hangovers.

Try counseling before divorce, especially with kids being involved. Why doesn't she want to show affection? No sex drive? Doesn't feel the same towards you? Sit down and talk.

Tell her that you need lust and affection in this marriage. You cannot be married simply for the children's benefit. You need to both be in love equally. Encourage marriage counselling or perhaps tell her that you cannot settle for a love less marriage.. your fate is in your hands here.

"She told me tonight she has no intentions of showing any affection towards me." I wonder why. It seems you've told this story ENTIRELY from your view point. Do you know that it's normal for a woman not to feel affectionate if she feels unloved? Has your wife complained to you about feeling unloved or disrespected? Has she been asking for more romance, support or attention and had her requests fall on a deaf ear?

My point: A marriage takes TWO. What are YOU doing to make the marriage work? Have you offered to go to marriage counseling? Do you read any books about marriage aside from the ones about sex? Do you try and make her feel special? Do you work on fixing her complaints just as much as you want her to fix yours?

Here are some books that might help you quite a lot if you're willing to put in the effort:

"mars and venus in the bedroom" by john gray

"men are from mars, women are from venus" by john gray

"the five love languages" by gary chapman

With two kids and 18 years of marriage I bet working on your marriage would be a lot cheaper and easier than going through divorce...

EDIT: I don't mean to be rude, only honest. It's not normal for a woman to want no affection from her husband- unless there's a problem- in which case it is entirely normal. So something must have happened between the time she eagerly made babies with you and now. I doubt it's all about her, though I could be wrong.

Here's an example of what I mean. Love does not mean the same thing to everyone. For instance, to you love is clearly (at least partially) physical. Hugs, kisses, massage, sex. For some other people love means quality time or words of affection. No matter how many hugs or great nights of sex are available some people may never feel loved if they don't hear the magic three words, "I love you". For some other people love is equivalent to "acts of service". So if she has asked you over and over to pick up your socks but you don't...she may feel unloved and unloving. Here is a link about the five love languages: http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/l...

In other words, you may have extended the olive branch by trying to be loving in a way that works for you, not her.

Of course she may simply not understand how hurtful it is to you when she is not affectionate. Most of us women aren't born with the innate understanding of how many men can feel unloved without sex. After all, many men will gladly engage in many sexual acts that have absolutely nothing to do with love (sex with strangers, porn, ETC.). A therapist (or the book "mars and venus in the bedroom") could help her understand that you aren't just asking for physical gratification you are asking for emotional bonding.

But here's what I mean by your point of view. If you just toss a sex book at her without first trying to learn about HER needs it's probably not going to go over very well. (You could start with the other John Gray book instead.)

Have you tried putting her first for awhile? Giving without expecting in return? Because there is a big difference between, "I cleaned the house and bought you a rose to show you I love you" and "I cleaned the house and bought you a rose in the expectation of getting lucky tonight." The movie "fireproof" has some good insights even if you're not Christian and you skip the Christian parts of the movie...

All that being said...This could be about her. Maybe her hormones are out of whack and should be checked by a doctor. Maybe she is depressed and blaming you for her own inability to be happy. Maybe she is cheating or looking to cheat. Maybe she is just selfish.

You know you best and you know her best. I think you have a LOT of strategies you can try before throwing in the towel. If they work- great, your marriage is saved and becomes happy again. :) Your kids grow up with two parents. Etc. If the strategies don't work at least you've learned about yourself and about women for the next time around. Divorce is a very difficult "easy way out" when there is so much help available nowadays...

Good luck.

Marriage counseling. Now.