My 14 year old step-son is smoking cigarettes?

i have raised two now grown kids and now am helping raise a grand kid.

I do understand how you are looking at this completely. You want to show him that smoking is not going to be tolerated. At the same time you want to be his friend.

It never works that way. Never.

Once a kid is about his age they are going to do what they want to do. One better have raised them right before because the last 14 years was when he needed training. I am not saying he's a bad kid because he wants to smoke either. But the days of forcing behavior out of him are over.

Reminds me when I realized my son was having sex. I ain't a prude. What I worried about was him getting his physico gf pregnant and him being stuck with her in his life forever. Try and tell a 16 year old boy not to have sex when his "gf" is *more* than willing. It was a mess and I made it worse by not understanding that he is his own person. The only way I was going to stop him from having sex was kill his gf or cut something of his off. I considered both but ended up choosing to have a talk with him. Pretty much telling him what I just wrote. Plus I asked him to consider why this girl was so willing. Did it help? Who knows. He broke up with her shortly afterwards. Some other boy got her pregnant, they married and I am sure very happy together cough cough.

There is no perfect answer to any question about raising kids. What works with one don't worth with another.

I can tell you one thing... unless this kid is weak willed, grounding him, etc won't stop him from smoking. It will force him to become better at hiding his cigarettes. Am I saying to let him smoke? heck no. Unless you believe in his case that being strict will make him actually not smoke then rethink the way you are handling this.

As a parent I learned that if I can't affect their behavior by punishment then I am better off knowing what they are doing behind my back. No way I would "let" a kid smoke but letting and knowing are not the same thing. If you "know" then you have the upper hand and he don't know you do. Also, if you know and he don't know you know then you are able to say and do certain things with the hopes your words or actions have an effect on changing him.

Would I punish him? Heck yea if I "caught" him smoking. That not saying I would drag him to his room after I did a strip search. No one likes their privacy invaded and kids hate it really bad. So would I search his stuff? Duuh. heck yea but I would pick and choose when to speak up and when not to.

Raising kids is about getting the proper outcome. My kids are pushing 30 and seriously, I am still raising them. Not because they are childish but because I am wiser than they are. If I could I would cut the top of my head off and scoop out my experiences and put them into their kids so they could avoid doing the stupid things I did. Since I can't do that then I will "sly dog" them as long as I can get away with it.

Smoking don't make a kid bad. It does give you a hint into the kids head. You hope that he just started to look cool because his "friends" do or something. But smoking is a symptom.

I smoked for 35 years. I know the bad of it but there is worse for your kid than smoking a cig. You have a window to look inside of his life and see the part he is keeping from you. But if he knows what you are doing he will be sure to close all the windows.

You said you are so confused..... A wise person once told me "confusion is a great place to be because you have not screwed up yet" haha

*strict

you're not being too strict, you're just doing the right thing. Of course he hates it, he wants his nicotine. Just stay strong and keep telling him that you won't allow him to smoke, and once he matures a little bit, he'll appreciate what you're doing. Don't try to be his friend because he will learn that you are a pushover and will show you no respect. If you want to be friendly bond with him over an activity like playing video games or sports or something like that together, but don't let your urge to gain his friendship turn you into a pushover parent.

I can't help you, but ask in the parenting section, it's just teen that are around here mostly. You'll get better answers there. Good luck.

teenagers these days i know