What are the best jokes you've heard?

“I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday. I know that doing so can be dangerous, and I really didn't want too, but it's kind of expected once you run them over.”

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty-one.

The dealer has to hit on sixteen, catches a ten and is busted. The booming voice goes: "un-fricking-believable!"

Two hunters, Bubba and Skeeter, are out in the woods when Skeeter collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Bubba whips out his cell phone and calls the 9-1-1. He gasps, "My friend just collapsed and looks dead! We're in the middle of the woods, miles from help. What should I do?"

The operator says "Calm down, sir. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, Bubba says "OK, now what?"

“I’ve just returned from one of those "once-in-a-lifetime" holidays. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time." A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back, and I will never ask you for another thing." In comes another big wave, placing the lad safely back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

Hope you liked these.

The Mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F?*k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea..."

How do Mexicans take their Christmas card pictures?

Put a couch on the back of the pickup, run a red light, and wait for the ticket to show up in the mail. (;

Also, if you're into the geeky sort of jokes, I recommend the Vlog Brothers on YouTube. Check them out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zrnd63DAH8o

I hope these help just a little bit. Sorry for your loss ):

A blonde maintains going for walks down her drive to her mail field. She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer maintains telling me that I've acquired mail". ----------------------------------------... An eighty yr historic couple were having issues remembering matters, so that they made up our minds to head to their physician to get checked out to be certain nothing was once unsuitable with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the surgeon concerning the problems they have been having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the health care provider told them that they have been bodily k however might wish to begin writing matters down and make notes to support them recall things. The couple thanked the physician and left. Later that night at the same time observing tv, the person received up from his chair and his spouse requested, "where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He answered, "sure." She then requested him, "do not you think you must write it down so you can take into account it?" He stated, "No, i can recollect that." She then stated, "well i'd also like some strawberries on prime. You had higher write that down seeing that i know you'll be able to disregard that." He said, "i can recollect that, you need a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She answered, "good I additionally would prefer whipped cream on top. I do know you're going to put out of your mind that so that you higher write it down." With irritation in his voice, he mentioned, "i don't must write that down! I will be able to consider that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he lower back from the kitchen and exceeded her a plate of 1st baron beaverbrook and eggs. She stared on the plate for a second and stated angrily: "I advised you to write down it down! You forgot my toast!" ----------------------------------------... The sufferer says, "supply me the unhealthy information first!" medical professional replies, "you have got acquired AIDS." "Oh, no! What might be worse than that?" asks the sufferer. "you've got also acquired Alzheimer's ailment." looking relieved the sufferer says, "Oh...Well, that's now not so bad. As a minimum I don't have AIDS."

An American an Irish guy and a Jew were walking along together. The Irish guy looked at the Jew and said, "Are those new shoes?" The Jew said, "Yes, I just got them this morning." The American looked and said, "Are those penny loafers?" (do I really need to go on)