Funny 5 minutes speeches?

Question

I'm in high school and I need a 5 minute speech to memorize for Monday, and I'd prefer it to be pretty funny so it's easier for me to remember and recite. My teacher even allowed us to use comedic sketches as long as it's not offensive. Any help would be appreciated.

loguesmith · Accepted Answer

This is a 5 minute speech, if you speak clearly & with appropriate pauses. Hand gestures will make it really funny, like shaking your forefinger at the audience, rolling eyes, blowing a BIG kiss, etc.

The title is 'Daily words of wisdom from Mommy'
"Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepy head
Here's your clothes
And your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now
Get up and make your bed
Are you hot? 
Are you cold? 
Are you wearing that? 
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and your gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget you gotta feed the cat
Eat your breakfast
The experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodon'tist will be seeing you at three today? 
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon
So you must play
Don't shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears? 
Play outside
Don't play rough
Would you just play fair? 
Be polite
Make a friend
Don't forget to share
Work it out
Wait your turn
Never take a dare
Get along
Don't make me come down there
Clean your room
Fold your clothes
Put your stuff away
Make your bed
Do it now
Do we have all day? 
Were you born in a barn? 
Would you like some hay
Can you even hear a word I say? 
Answer the phone
Get Off the phone
Don't sit so close
Turn it down
No texting at the table
No more computer time tonight
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up
Where you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home? 
Saying thank you, please, excuse me
Makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You'll appreciate my wisdom
Someday when you're older and you're grown
Can't wait 'til you have a couple little children of your own
You'll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now
I thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew
Would appreciate
Take a bite
Maybe two
Of the stuff you hate
Use your fork
Do not you burp
Or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, Get the door
Don't get smart with me
Get a Grip
Get in here I'll count to 3
Get a job
Get a life
Get a PhD
Get a dose of... 
I don't care who started it
You're grounded until your 36
Get your story straight
And tell the truth for once for heaven's sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff
Would you jump too? 
If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before that
You're too old to act this way
It must be your father's DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straight when you walk
A place for everything
And everything must be in place
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about
Oh! 
Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Get your PJs on
Get in bed
Get a hug
Say a prayer with Mom
Don't forget
I love you
**KISS**
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends
You don't need the reason why
Because
Because
Because
Because
I said so
I said so
I said so
I said so
I'm the Mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
Ta-da"

This is a song written by Anita Renfroe, set to the tune of William Tell Overture
Please give her credit either before or after the speech.