Opinions on my writing?

This is a rough piece of what I am writing for my story. It only took me 30 minutes so I'll edit it later. But I want your opinions on it. Do you like it? How can i improve it? I'm 14 years old by the way. This paragraph continues from what i wrote in this question >>> http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind%E2%80%A6 Sorry It's so long!

Without thinking, I close my eyes and bury my head into her soft hair. I take a deep breath in to smell her hair for the last time. Her hair smells delightful, like wild strawberries and apples mixed together. The smell flows through me acting as a healer to my shaking bones.

Mum moves slightly.

No, Mum please don’t go, don’t leave me. What if I lose you? I won’t be able to live again, I won’t...

I open my eyes to see my mother quickly running out of the room and fiercely shutting the door behind her.

I didn’t even say I love you.

“I love you... Mum” I weakly stretch out my arm, trying find and hold my mother again, but she really has gone. She really has left me. To die on my own, in this darkness that is suffocating my heart. How could she do this to me? Why would a mother even wish this upon her petrified and defenceless daughter?

A horrifying noise of screaming explodes through the fragile walls of the cottage, like thunder.

I’m going to die. I’m going to die.

The thunderous screaming continues, becoming louder and louder every second.

I stiffen as I hear monstrous footsteps approaching nearer.

I’m going to die. I’m going to die.

The footsteps stop abruptly outside the door and I am now choking with anguish.

Don’t make a sound Cecilia, don’t even breath.

I collapse down onto the floor, eyes shut so tightly that I think they might burst any second. I brace myself for death.

I am going to do just as my mother said and be brave. I’m a big girl now and I shouldn’t be trembling at death. I shouldn’t be threatened by the blackness which will soon overcome me. Death may be a good thing for me. Maybe people will actually accept me in Heaven. If there is a Heaven. Here on Earth, many people have never accepted me for who I am. Apparently, I shouldn’t even be breathing, according to the other girls my age. This is derived from simply not imitating them and being myself. Why should I be like them when they have no dreams? When all they do is walk around like they own everything in Kallinas. Life in Heaven may be a new start for me. To meet new and inspiring people. My Mum and Dad are probably there already.

Mum and Dad. I had forgotten all about them. I’d also forgotten about the creature which is currently standing out the door, probably laughing at the desperate cries I am uncontrollably making.

I don’t want to die.

The door bursts open and there stands the creature with the indescribable beauty and crystal white hair.

She’s smirking at me. She’s going to kill me.

Slowly and gracefully the creature approaches me, like a tiger stalking its prey.

I’m her prey. I’m going to be slaughtered like the Tigers prey. My fragile skin will be ripped off by this creature and all she will be doing is smiling down at me, looking at me with her hungry cat-like eyes.

“Don’t be scared, mortal” She says softly.

Her long fingernails squeeze my face before I can scramble away. I try to look away, but her long fingernails force me to look directly into her terrifying eyes.

Courage and dominance are shown behind the deep red pool, especially to vulnerable weak teenagers, like myself. Her skin is perfectly pale with no sign of damage, even with the fighting which is going on outside. Although, I can strongly sense that she is not a woman to be tolerated and she is definitely not pure. Her evil, remorseless smirk also portrays that.

She tilts my head back slightly, examining every inch of my skin.

I’m dead.

I quickly glance up to the ceiling. Mum, Dad, thank you for everything you have done for me. I will always love you both.

The crystal haired creature gently wipes away my tears and strokes my quivering lip.

“Oh don’t be sad, mortal. I just need a little taste, to see if you are what I’m after”

I am unable to speak and I let her dominance fill me.

Something sharp pierces my skin and the pain quickly spreads over my throat. The essence of absence of the pain fills me to a point where scream. Loud.

“Cecilia!”

My Dad.

I widen my eyes and force all my weight onto the creature.

“Cecilia! Where are you?”

My Dad is alive!

Anger suddenly fills my body, helping me to push more of my weight onto the Creature. It unfortunately does not affect her in any way.