Need some advice/another perspective :)?

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Hi, this site has always been very helpful.  Like I said, I just need another perspective.  Here is the situation and some background info (I'll keep it brief).  My fiance has some issues (anxiety, social phobia, OCD symptoms).  He is a very nice guy, good with my kids, and tries to do the right thing.  He is on medication for some of these issues but is not in therapy.  He is very "laid back" and often appears bored or disinterested at family functions or other social happenings.  When it is just the two of us (or just the five of us including my kiddos) there really isn't much of a difference. He is "there" as in "present," but not really involved in what is going on.  The other day when we were in the car, I wanted to talk with him about a book I had read, and he kept falling asleep.  I ended up talking to my friend about the book, and felt very lonely because I couldn't share that with him. He falls asleep a lot in the car (I drive most of the time).  I don't know if its his medication or if its just "him" but he won't even discuss trying to live without the medication or finding a therapist.  Okay, that's the background stuff.  The other night, when the Bruins won the game, he was actually jumping up and down and screaming and cheering...the most animated and enthusiastic I have EVER seen him!  I was very hurt because I would like him to show that level (or at least any level) of enthusiasm for his life with us and not just save that for his favorite team.  He claims to not understand what I am upset about, despite talking about this adnauseam for two days now.  All he keeps saying is "I can't believe you're mad because I was happy the Bruins won!"  I keep trying to explain how I am feeling hurt because I want him to be happy and enthusiastic about things in his real life...but he is (pretending?) not to understand.  So I feel like I have to just keep my mouth shut to avoid conflict because the problem is not getting solved anyway.  
What do you all think...am I over reacting and being too sensitive or is this something that is a real problem?  Thanks you

Annie · Accepted Answer

Your situation is definitely a challenging one! I do believe it is one, to a certain extent, that all couples face regardless of any psychological issues. It's about mutual meeting of each other's needs. If the two of you can calmly sit down and make a list of the hopes and expectations you have of each other in the relationship, both of you will be more aware of the situations that will require a little more giving to each other in the future and make a commitment to do so. You may even discover he has needs for things from you that you are not doing. Once he is aware and agrees to trying to do some of the things you are needing, things will improve. If he states he can not do the things you want, you have three ways to go with it:
1. You can reassess how important these things are to you and change them. Or:
2. You can decide you are willing to stay in the relationship without them. Or:
3. You can leave the relationship.
For example, if he says he is not capable of doing any of the listening, sharing or participating you need, you must decide if those needs of yours are worth living without. If not, then it's time to leave. Above all, this discussion of needs must be framed in a loving, "caring for each other" way. I recommend you delay this marriage until you get this sorted out.

♠ Merlin ♠ · Answer

ok so you have found he CAN be animated over certain subjects

the 2 instances you site, in the car, and at a function?
i can tell you, i switch off too
its not that i dont like the immediate company i am in, (in his case, you)
functions ARE for the most part, boring, i would rather be doing a dozen other things than being with a group of people i have no desire to be with, preferring a more one on one with someone i CHOOSE to be with (again in his case, you)

being a passenger in a car isnt a party either
its pretty dull
he may not have been particularly interested in the specific book you were talking about (i LOVE books but am all too familiar with the vacant stare i get when i talk about them!)
it doesnt mean he wasnt interested in YOU, just this particular book

its easy to make a connection with meds/medical conditions
but often the answer is MUCH simpler 
and no indication of anything serious, just a lot of instances, when put together look bad

you shouldnt feel you cannot talk
find a common ground, and start from there
something that DOES ignite him

Anonymous · Answer

they give people amphetamines in combination with some (anti)depressant shat for anxiety and OCD, these are heavy drugs and your bf is a drug addict. none of his issues are resolved he is just simply drugged up to his eyeballs, no wonder he is absent. he should get off the drugs cold turkey and start therapy.a support group, or one on one with a therapist that treats people without drugging them up.

your bf is not a serial rapist, he does not need chemical castration (or to be drugged up like a zombie, which is the same shat when you think about it, same principal anyway), he needs to heal the wounds on his soul, that can be done by love, support and a therapists that know their a.s.s hole from their face.

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Need some advice/another perspective :)?

3 Answers