What's wrong with me?

I don't really know where to begin or how to phrase much of this and it may make no sense, it may be disorganized, I may unintentionally leave a lot out or intentionally leave a lot out due to limits on space; I don't feel like I can get my thoughts on this organized well but please read it anyway and this will be long but please read all of it. I really need your help. Thank you.

I don't really know where to begin...

I've been feeling very sick lately. I feel sick all the time. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I feel so out of it and on edge; I don't feel like I can do life anymore, like I just want to go to sleep now and never wake-up. I don't mean that in any type of suicidal way, I just mean that I feel so exhausted and tired, I don't feel like I can function properly anymore, I feel like I've lost control.

I think I may have some type of depression and/or anxiety. A month ago yesterday I had a panic attack for the first time (I’ve had a few small ones that I’ve controlled since then). This panic attack had nothing to do with my usual worries; it happened because I thought I was having a bad reaction to a blood drawing I had earlier in the day. My blood was drawn four hours before it happened so it had nothing to do with it in reality. I went to an emergency walk-in clinic and then to my usual doctor and they both found nothing wrong. My doctor did mention anxiety as a possible cause and that made me later mention to my mom how I feel like I can't function anymore because of my worries and that it's so bad I want drugs to fix it. I later would go back to the doctor for a recap of my blood work and we talked about my anxiety at that time too. I told him that my attack was a wake-up call and I've learned that worrying really hurts and I've been relaxed that whole time since then. This was all true until recently when all my problems have come back and seem to be worse. I did have another appointment for a physical last week where I mentioned feeling more anxious to my doctor but I told him I was managing it, which was true but now as of this week I feel like I've reached a new point that I can't handle anymore. I think prior to now it's been worse than I've let on but I've never really been good at opening up and I've always tried to suck it up (not just for this but for everything in life) but now I don't feel like I can do that anymore. I feel like I've lost control.

Yesterday I started a new job which I hate. All I do is check parking stickers at the beach and help people move their sailboats if needed but I still really hate it. It's not a me type of job: I hate being outside (which I am all day), I hate the heat, I hate the beach, I just hate it. The entire time at work I still feel very anxious. I sit their fearing another anxiety attack, as I do all the time, but I just don't feel comfortable there I feel like being there makes it worse but then again I feel sick all the time and even if I wasn't there I would feel horrible. The old me (prior to whatever is wrong with me) would have sucked it up and would make due. The old me would have believed I made a commitment and should stick to it no matter what but I don't feel like I can do that anymore, I just can't. Today I have off but my boss called me to ask me if I could work since someone called in sick. I told her I couldn't. I feel bad for doing this, the old me would had been there and would had been happy to be there whether I hated the job or not because I could suck it up but now I can't. I really want to quit this job since I don't want to do it the whole summer but I'm going to give it more time and if needed I will quit and tell my boss I have a conflict with my other job (I have two jobs but my other one doesn't have a lot of hours in the summer).

I think I've had anxiety and/or depression for years (since I was like 14 maybe, now I'm 21) and I've just sucked it up; sometimes it was really bad and other times it was not a big issue but regardless I handled it. I don’t feel like I can do that anymore.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this; although I feel like that would help (I don’t have any friends, people don’t like me). I got to a point about three years ago where I really needed someone to talk to but I had no one so I sucked it up and pushed through. I’ve only tried to reach out to another person twice. Both times were within the last year and those people told me I was annoying and to go away. I know there under no obligation to help me and that it’s selfish of me to even ask and that if I’m annoying then I deserve it so I can’t really be mad at them but I am disappointed. I never specifically said the words “I need your help” to the first person but I did to the second person and the result was still the same.