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Can you give me a good lead and endding for this story?
Also tell me any mistakes; run on sentence, to make make my story getting to an A,and also to give me a good beginning lead and ending to end it.
Summer goes back and then school comes here. Joesph was going to school after summer. Joesph was faltered in going back to the boring school. It felt like summer began but school was around the corner. The school was rebuilt now with three floors. Joesph met up with his friends as they were outside of the school. Joesph said “what classroom you guys got”. His friends Phil and Drake replied back “were in room 168”. With a deep sigh Joesph said “well I’m in room 169 but next year we will be in the same classroom”. As the bell rings everybody got inside but Joesph didn’t pay any attention to where he was going. Everybody went to the third floor but Joesph didn’t know where his seventh grade classroom went. Joesph thought that is an adult caught him he will be in trouble. “I’m going to be seriously in trouble” Joesph thought. Joesph went up and down the stairs but it was pointless to find his classroom. It was like a mouse and a maze. Room 150, room 142, and room 168. Wait! Joesph was excited to see that 169 come after 168. When he turned to the corner he ended up in the gymnasium, but since it was morning classes nobody was there. Joesph sighed and saw the clock on the wall, it was 12:47 already! Joesph couldn’t believe what he had seen. He had been sneaking around for more than two hours. The only way he can find his class is by teacher. Joesph thought the fire alarm might get everybody together. Joesph pulled himself to the hallway. Then he pulled up the glass lid and pulled the fire alarm. “Ring, Ring, Ring”! The alarm sounded loud and everybody walked outside. The teachers said “It’s not a drill, remain calm”! Joesph thought everything was perfect. Joesph followed his friends Phil and Drake’s classroom. As the classes are walking outside, Joesph was planning to find his class. The teachers recounted the students the students and checking the attendance. Everything was going to plan thought Joesph. He asked a teacher where was room 169 and the teacher showed Joesph the way. They thought it was a malfunction so they resumed classes. Joesph was caught not in the attendance so he was marked late. Nobody knew what caused the alarm except Joesph. Joesph was excited about skipping the morning classes and resumed where the other students were doing.
2 Answers
- Anonymous8 years agoFavorite Answer
Hmmm, you have too many 'Joseph was going to....'. You need to have it with 'Joseph was going to... He thought that... And this happened...'. Otherwise it is a good short story. I don't think you should start it with 'summer goes back and then school comes here'. What do you mean by summer goes back? Do you mean that summer goes away or summer comes back? And maybe try with school arrives or something like that because the school is not coming to you. Also when your characters are speaking, give them one line to speak, that way it looks more impressive. Good luck!!
- 8 years ago
In the first few lines you repeat the same fact over and over again. Just say that the summer holidays are ending and a new term/semester is about to begin - that's all you need! Don't say over and over again that Joseph is going back to school. We get it.
You need to add description as well - all you are doing is saying "Joseph did this", "Joseph did that". Try something different which describes, such as:
"Joseph wandered slowly up to the school, and once he got to the front gates he stopped and stared; he wasn't the only one. Several other students were also gazing up at the newly rebuilt building, now with three floors. Among the admiring students, Joseph saw his friends Phil and Drake".
It isn't the best, but that's the kind of thing you're aiming for - not repeating "Joseph", adding a bit of description and letting us know what is going on around him.
As for dialogue, make sure it is on a new line:
"What classroom are you guys in?" asked Joseph.
"We're in room 168," they replied in unison.
The same goes for the rest of it - add description, stick to one tense, stop repeating "Joseph" and remember to add a new paragraph every so often!