Relationship Advice Is this love? (warning long)?

Question

I am 24 years old and in the first relationship of my life with someone I feel like I might be in love with.  I will admit, things started off unhealthy, when it began, I became completely absorbed in the relationship, my emotions were consuming me, and I might have been more in love with the idea of being in love than with him.

I won't go into details about this, but there are some very strange parts of our relationship that I won't share for my boyfriend's sake, only to say that he suffers from sociopathic tendencies.  That's not to say he goes around murdering people, but he just doesn't feel emotions the same way as you or I do.  And I never would have thought that I could fall in love with someone so cold, but I did.

Short story, I am leaving for the Air Force on August 20th, which makes this relationship hard to be in in the first place.  But when we met, he was so inspiring, he told me he would wait for me, I decided to take a chance on a stranger.

Our time together has been a roller coaster, we talk for hours, and I am so happy, we live far apart so meeting is hard, but we talk online and on the phone, we've shared our lives with each other.  After only a month, I felt so connected to him, I was beginning to think that I could marry him one day, I was even reconsidering my Air Force career.

The low points were hard, it got lonely when he wasn't around to talk to, and his emotionless attitude about things wore me down every day.  He would show me that he cared one way, and how little he cared in another.

After awhile, it just got to be too much, I cried and pleaded with him to open up, to fight and show me that he cared with more than just a few simple words.  When he couldn't, I was devastated, my heart fell apart, and I became completely numb.  The next day, I sat him down to say goodbye to him, and he apologized to me, in a way that I have never seen in him before.  He started to fight for me with a passion that I know was very painful for him.

So we are going to try again, taking it slower, he still makes me happy, but the overwhelming passion and desire I had to see him is gone.  I still think about him when I wake up, and lie down, I still message him throughout the day, but this panic that I have about leaving him is gone... and I don't know if that's good or bad.

I still want to believe that our relationship will work out, but am I mistaking the happiness he gives me for love?  We have so many obstacles and problems in our relationship and it's only been a month.  What will it be like when I'm in the air force?

My heart says to give a try, but my emotions have been going crazy since I met him, and I don't know if I can trust them.

I know I haven't really given any reasons why I am in love with him, those are personal, suffice to say that it is because of who my boyfriend is as a person.

I'm just worried that his problems are going to create a passionless relationship, or at least one that is too low for me.  He tells me that the best relationships are the ones expressed in moderation, that often people just burn out the passion in their relationship, and to some degree I agree, that people can become accustomed to a passionate relationship, and if that dies out there's nothing left, but I also feel like it's a way of expressing your love.

Should I continue down this path?  I want to give this another try but I'm scared, he almost broke my heart beyond repair, and that is only one month in.  Even though he apologized, damage has been done, I don't feel emotions the same way I used to, I have become somewhat numb.  

In two months I have to leave, should I risk losing control of myself again for a relationship that stands almost no chance of working out?

Thank you all for reading this, all answers mean a lot to me

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This is a tough story to read and tougher to understand, because there are many things within this relationship that you have left unsaid, and perhaps rightly so, because as you say, they are personal. I can sense your pain and your utter feeling of helplessness over your emotions, but I also sense that your gut feeling and instincts of reality are trying to guide you in a different direction, leaving you torn and even more confused over what is the right path to take.

Your plans for the Air Force are likely already made, so whatever happens you are going to be leaving for posting or for barrack life, where leave might be restricted for a new recruit. On one hand that is good, because you will have to be disciplined in more ways than one. But life in the forces can be a lonely one, made less so if you know you have someone special back home who cares about you and loves you. That is fine if they do, but it is far from fine if they don't, or you feel that they don't.

My honest opinion, albeit initially, is that your boyfriend sounds like hard work and high maintenance. But then that love you speak of, where we find something unique and special in someone tears at our heart and hey presto, we are falling in love, or so it seems. Of course there is an element of wishful thinking and maybe fantasy of what might be, it's called hope and desire and without it reality stays cold and calculating, so allow yourself the freedom to day dream. 

But I wonder if you have turned the corner, where you now feel is it all worth it and if it is, where is it going. You say he broke your heart almost beyond repair, but did he? I ask this kindly, because you had, or have, very deep and meaningful emotional needs that you needed him to fulfil, which he didn't, either because he never comprehended them or because he is just not tuned in to what your needs are. In either case you suggest that his persona is often on a different level. So maybe it was you and your expectations that almost broke your heart and only at the last minute did he realise he was expected to play his part to do more.

There is also the distance between you both. Clearly you have not met in person often and that means you have not had quality time together or been able to read and perceive body language and mannerisms, both so important when we interact with anyone but more so where the heart strings are involved. It sounds like a long distant relationship and people say they never last (I don't agree, but I know first hand that they are damn hard work, because I'm in one!)

And as for passion. His idea of moderation is strange, although I guess there is some logic in burning itself out if there is too much too soon. But surely passion can mean many things and to most it means closeness, intimacy, sharing, warmth, endearment, empathy and that simple but mutual trust that the world is hunky dory because of the person we share it with. Holding back from that suggests a fear of commitment or a lack of self value, again possibly part of your boyfriends difficulties, but still a concern about how likely he is to embrace your relationship in the way you need him to.

If I have any advice for you it is this. Look to the future and your military career. Hold on to what you have with this guy, if you feel he is worth it, but see it from a different perspective. Let him be someone you can chat to and laugh with, but allow that numbness to ride, for that is your protection to further emotional turmoil. You have been through that loop once and hopefully learnt from it and have the scars to prove it. Losing control is not an option, certainly not in the Air Force. Crikey!
Be focused and stay positive. And be safe.

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Relationship Advice Is this love? (warning long)?

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