What's the best joke you know?

There was an old man from Peru

Who dreamt he was eating his shoe

He awoke in the night

In a terrible fright

And found it was quite true...

Connor wins.

One of my fav I read:

How do you get a Goth to get down from a tree?

You cut the rope around his neck.

I have a folder full of my own jokes...

My favorite is...

You know you're a misanthrope (hater of humanity) when:

You watch arachnophobia and you are rooting for the spiders!

You watch chainsaw massacre and you’re happy it’s not about trees.

You watch Hannibal and it makes you hungry.

You’re eating watching saw.

You watch a slasher movie and don’t care who dies first, as long as it’s soon.

Hm... most of them only I can understand XD

Well, all my life I was called an hypocondriac and insane, personality disorder and all that blame that invalidated who I am... it was harder than I can possibly explain.

I wanted to do medical research, so when I got bedridden, I sure did a lot of that. I found out that I could have 2 possible chronic diseases, I got tested... and I was right... but decades of abuse sure takes it's toll... so I made myself laugh by saying

"If I wasn't insane then, I sure am now!"

Now I'm ready to do whatever it takes to stay safe and healthy... so yeah... trigger my survival instinct and I'll show you what a psychosis looks like. Because that's what it actually is... Starved pissed off people who fight for their lives. Never had to do that... even the worst criminal ran for his life when he saw my angry face...

Ah~ life is beautiful~ when you love yourself enough to self care~

Society, medicine and psychiatry... people wanting to help you and not abuse you... worst joke I ever heard.

Enjoy~

Darn These Flys!

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.

Each orderd a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT!" "SPIT IT OUT!"

TA TA, DADDY

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

One Wish

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from

a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, oneof the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a geniewould appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of thecastaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, statedthat he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make theentire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately theentire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer onthe hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now

we're going to have to piss in the boat."

The Finals

It's Game 7 of the World Series, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind home plate. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Anything for $200

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $200, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Now we're even

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

The Genie

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'I want to know what goes on inside a woman's head. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

Me: Want to lose some weight?

My Friend: Sure!

Me: Go to the paint store.

My Friend:Why the paint store?

Me: You can get thinner there.

I nearly busted a gut when I first heard this joke.