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My mother in law is going overboard and the baby isn't even born yet!?
Background: My husband and I are expecting our first child in May. This will be the first grandchild on both sides. His mother is driving me crazy already. She asks lots of questions about how we will be raising the baby, usually texting or cornering me when my husband isn't in the room. She disagrees with most of the baby products I have said I want or will be registering for. She disagrees with my decision to breast feed. She disagrees with my decision to cloth diaper. The list goes on and on. She doesn't have 'boundaries'. She however is very excited and despite living either 14 or 19 hours from the baby (they are snow birds) she is hoping to visit a lot more than she used to and be apart of the baby's life. I am happy about this. I want my baby to see its grandmother. I worry because she stresses me out when she visits with her 'advice' and 'helpful hints'. I ask for none of this and she seems offended when my opinion is not changed by her arguments.
Recently: His parents came to visit for Thanksgiving and while they were here they looked at houses within 20 minutes of our home. They are considering moving to the state we live in, but never mentioned it until they were here. My husband and I were shocked and didn't know how we felt about that. They also are looking to buy a mini van because they feel they will need it when the baby comes. Most recently my husband's sister told me how my mother in law is feeling like she will be completely left out of everything with the baby.
I don't want to leave her out. I want them to visit. I do not know how I feel about them moving here. It could be bad or good. As far as the 'mom' mini van, I cannot dictate what car they buy but I do not feel it is necessary as we are getting one and there is not going to be a time when our child needs to be driven by my in laws so that just seemed odd to me. My child will not be 'staying' with my in laws or anyone without us at least until it is much older.
With this baby fever and feelings of being 'left out' already I can't help but think things will get worse. Do we discuss things now or wait until the baby is here and they move in next door?
3 Answers
- mikah_smilesLv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
Discuss it now. Start drawing boundaries now. It will only get 2000 times worse when baby is here and you are too exhausted to actually deal with it properly. You can't really stop them from making decisions about their lives. They are adults. But you can let them know what you're thinking. Just remember that you and your husband need to show a united front, so discuss it with him first.
As for the advice, learn to smile and say VERY NICELY (no sarcasm, be sincere) "It's wonderful that my baby has such a loving family who want what's best for him/her. Husband and I have decided to do things this way." Then change the subject. If she insists that it'll be a mistake, just smile and say "Well, all new parents make mistakes. I'm sure you made yours when you raised your children. Now it's our turn to learn as we go." And then change the subject. Be very civil about it. Just stick to the same routine. Eventually, she will stop trying.
Congrats and good luck!
- Anonymous7 years ago
oh. You might want to rethink the not leaving her out. Her behaviour as to whether or not you include her in day-to-day life is up to HER, not you.
As for her parenting, just tell her all her ideas have their roots in violence, and the question as to whether or not it's parenting or abuse depends purely on the degree. That's been found to be sub-optimal compared to parenting that guides children into the right direction rather than using violence as a tool. No baby (especially your baby) is rightfully hers to control.
Nothing in your post makes me think she wants the best for your child in any shape or form, and everything makes me concerned about your child's well-being if she was around him/her.
You're going to need to be very clear about her showing some respect. She's NOT your baby's mother, and unless she respects you as a mother then you don't want her near your child, no matter where they live. Ask her why she's planning to move closer to be near baby when unless she starts showing some respect and no longer intends to be a danger to your child she's going to be having very little to do with your child. She'll probably try to use your husband as a pawn and as a weapon against you, so take care to point out that he's grown up now, and is now a father and his priority is HIS family. As in you and baby. Your child is not a tool for stroking MIL's ego.
- BobbiLv 77 years ago
Give her suggestions on what she can get for the baby. Also, praise her when she does have a great idea. My DIL was this way with baby #1, and I probably went crazy too. I did appreciate when she gave me specifics of what baby needed, and she even allowed us to babysit for the afternoon so she could get a nap. Let her know too that times are changing, and she probably had different ideas than her mother too on how to raise a baby !
