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Is this relationship healthy?
First off she's been diagnosed with a personality disorder years ago, she calls it depression though. I found this out half way through the relationship during her first outburst. She got real snarky with me after a fun filled weekend on the river. And demanded I leave her house as she didn't have the spirits to deal with me right now. This happened because on the drive home I wished the river was a bit lower, and she called that 'being negative'. This has so far happened quite a few times, me being demanded to leave. The things that get her to demand me to leave are; me asking 'what', when I didn't hear her while driving, me chewing loudly while famished, me asking about her friends (in a non-interrogative way).
After I get ordered to leave, I feel shitty. Then later I'm yelled at for not spending enough time with her. We work opposite shifts leaving the weekends and lunches open. She tells me that I have to change my schedule to reflect hers, and I really can't do that.
I end up getting more aggravated when I can never seem to make her happy. But then in the same sentence she tells me I'm 'her everything' and that she needs me. I love her and don't want to hurt her but I don't feel like I'm the guy for her.
Last year her brother died of cancer and every day she goes on about how she is so depressed about him dying. She goes on and on about how awful and nasty his last hours were. I suggested to her that she think more about the good times that they had together and she responded that they weren't very close, and infact he was an asshole to her. Which confused me thoroughly.
Right now we're having a break. I told her I couldn't stand to be snapped at randomly about the things that I do. She told me if I didn't want to get snapped at I'd not annoy her. I felt that was abusive tactics and left. I want to go back to her, but at the same time I worry this is just the tip of the iceberg. I would have a life filled with me feeling crappy about who I am.
3 Answers
- Anonymous7 years ago
You have a great understanding of what's going on. You've just laid out a lot of information that confirms that this relationship is extremely unhealthy, not just a little bit unhealthy. You're recognizing huge warning signs and you know that she is not right for you.
In my opinion, I think it's wrong of her to not tell you about her disorder right from the start. She knows her patterns and at least could have explained things to you. But, that's the nature of personality disorders.
Even though breaking up hurts, you will get over her. Time truly heals. If you stay in this relationship you are disrepecting yourself .. and no good thing can come from disrespecting ourselves. It actually sounds to me like you do respect yourself and are intelligent.
All of us should be like detectives with relationships and save ourselves trouble. Emotions will often suppress the intellect and that's why we give into it.
Yes, this is the tip of the iceberg. You don't know what you're dealing with. There are mild personality disorders and severe ones. Stay safe.
- 7 years ago
Its definitely a dsyfunctional relationship. Im sorry to say it so bluntly.
Unfortunately, its also common, from my observations, that is, this kind of relationship.
The important thing to remember is that, you can only get the things you want ( peace, happiness, respect) by leading by example, and you can not really change her - she has to change herself. The solution then is simple: its either you talk to her about it, explaining yourself and allowing her to explain herself, and forgive her for her behaviour; or you leave. If you think she wont change, then leave. People have a tendency to become similar to the company they keep. She may say she loves you and vise versa, but if you love someone you do what is best, which can be leaving sometimes. Perhaps she needs you to leave, on some level, so that she can learn an important life lesson. From death comes rebirth. I would say you should try once to work things out, even twice, so you dont have regrets later and have closure that you tried, but leave if things are still this drastically bad.
- 7 years ago
No, this is a very unhealthy relationship. Get out while you can. She needs to work out her own problems, because she obviously has them. You are not responsible for her mental well being. She needs to get help.
Source(s): Someone who has been on both sides.