What do you think of my story???????????

I should warn you, my answer will probably sound very harsh. If you're writing for fun or just for yourself, don't take it too seriously unless you really want to improve your writing. If you're thinking of making this a serious project, please just understand that I am trying to help you, not crush your soul. I want to elaborate on some of the points other answerers have made so that you can actually get some good advice, not just criticism.

Another warning: I'm pretty tired and a little worried I mightn't be able to write in a coherent way. All the same, I'll try, because I do want to help :)

OK, now here comes a downpour of harsh constructive criticism...

I'll talk about the concept first. It started off interesting. I liked the idea of someone ending up in a college, away from their friends, where most of the people are older. That sounded pretty original. It was an idea with potential. I imagined your character lost in a sea of so-called has-beens, feeling above them, looking down on them almost. Then I realised the story wasn't going to be anything like that. It was just going to be another one of those stories where the main character ends up ruining their life because of drugs and peer pressure and all of that stuff. People have read all that before. Heck, a lot of them probably experience such things in real life--where is the escapism? I mean, there's nothing wrong with having an element of that in your story (in fact, when done well, it can make a story very poignant) but if your intention is to interest people then total doom and gloom won't appeal. Good stories have light and dark moments. The lighter moments make the darker moments of a story more poignant in contrast.

Also, don't have your main character whine. I remember looking over the beginnings of books in school a few years ago. My class (of about thirty people) consisted mostly of sixteen year old girls, probably the target group of the book you are writing. The book we unanimously decided had the worst beginning was the one which started off with the main character whining about how crap their life was. There was nothing endearing about the whining either (you can make whining endearing, but it's difficult). If a character is annoyed, make sure they only show it through little comments or through their actions. Don't make them whine.

Moving onto the actual writing, everyone so far who has answered has been telling you to improve your English, but no one's really told you how. Personally I think the best way to learn how to write well is by reading. Read as much as you can and ANALYSE the way in which writers construct their stories. Don't use fan-fiction as a guide (there is some well written fan-fiction out there but some of it is pretty terrible too) use books which have been published and have received positive reviews. Even children's books like the Harry Potter series could help you. Get a feel for how writers construct sentences and how they have their characters express themselves in speech as well as thought. This will improve your writing a lot. (Btw, you might be thinking you HAVE read a lot before, but there is a difference between reading and analysing writing. Look at how good novels begin, what sort of information is given straight away and what is withheld/only implied, and look at how language is used to analyse properly.)

Personally I believe the biggest problem with your story so far is the manner in which you tell it. What you're getting wrong is not a problem unique to you--in fact I'm sure a lot writers start off a bit like this. What is your problem, do you ask? Well, your problem is that you TELL your reader too much and don't SHOW enough. You shouldn't start a story in the way you have here, by dumping a whole load of information on the reader. You're supposed to feed your reader little pieces of information about the background of your character as you go along, when it is necessary. Start with a conversation instead, or start with your character going somewhere. Just don't info-dump. Never info-dump.

Is this meant to be a short story, or a novel? If it's a short story it REALLY shouldn't be done this way. I mean, as part of a novel, an info-dump is bad enough, but info-dumping just KILLS a short story. Short stories are the amuse-bouches of fiction--they're bite-sized, so they should pack a punch. Info-dumping basically weakens the story and takes away that punch. It has the same effect in novels, but it's much more noticeable in short stories.

OK, I'm just going to go on about info-dumps. Info-dumps are made even worse when the information given ISN'T RELEVANT to the story. Every writer finds themselves guilty at some point of adding in something irrelevant. I am totally guilty of it. Even now I sometimes feel a strong urge to put something into a story (usually a tidbit of information about a character's past) which no one needs to know and which only I really care about. This excerpt of your story is full of information your readers wont want to know. Follow this rule: if it's not an important detail (i.e. it doesn't aid character development or it isn't important to the plot) SCRAP IT. I know it's hard, but it has to be done. You'll feel good about it one day, trust me.

My next point is about the whole epistolary writing idea. I like the fact she's writing to herself (is this meant to be some sort of method of self-help a psychologist has dealt her?), but would you really tell yourself why you didn't get into college? The great thing about having a narrator like this is that they're unreliable, and that they naturally leave out information. It can be great for effect, but tricky to deal with as a writer :P I would suggest analysing a book like Ian McEwan's Atonement to get a sense of how to do this well :)

OK, I think there was more I was going to say, but I'm literally falling asleep at the keyboard now. I hope I haven't completely destroyed your passion for writing. Most of what I have written here is stuff I have learned myself as an amateur writer, often the hard way. Unfortunately us writers are usually very sensitive about our writing at first, but to be successful we HAVE to face constructive criticism.

Good luck on all your writing endeavours!

C.

To be honest, your English isn't good enough to write a real story - your punctuation is weak and many of your expressions are incorrect.

You change tenses mid-sentence, and many of your verbs don't agree with your nouns.

Work on improving your literacy for a while, then try again.

The basic concept is interesting, but having so many basic errors makes it irritating.

English isn't good enough to write a real story - your punctuation is weak and many of your expressions are incorrect. Work on improving your literacy for a while.basic concept is interesting but basic errors make it irritating

i can believe i read the whole thing ....... where is the other half???????