I want your opinion on what I wrote please?

Question

It's a nice warm summer night. The moon is out and full with not a cloud in the sky. Perfect for searching for food. I'm walking down Elm street near the pear looking for someone to mug. Anyone will do, old, young, middle age, I don't care. Some might find this harsh but when you live in the streets and have to provide for yourself and your sister you get desperate. Here comes someone. Looks like a women, doesn't seen like she's no older then I am, certainty she's shorter and weaker. Perfect. I pull out my knife from its leather holder, which I found in the trash, I don't know why anyone would throw it away it's easily worth 5 pounds of food. My knife is a large butcher knife that I stole. As she gets closer I prepare myself for the attack. It's not only a physical thing is psychological too. We are about 10 steps from each other now and I notice shes carrying two loafs of bread, probably got them from the bakery down the road, so they will be fresh. Perfect, that will last me two weeks if I ration it properly. Even closer now, about 5 steps. I can see her eyes, the moon light reflects off them, they are green. One more step, then Ill jump. Now. I lunge forward and I get her to the ground, she barley struggles. I got the knife to her throat. She knows what I want, food is the only reason anyone does something like this, but I tell her anyways. "Give me the bread!" She just looks at me pleading with her eyes not to do this, not to take her and her families food. Then I notice a tear roll down from her eye, and I can't help but think about her family at home. For all I know this is the only food she's had in days. But I haven't ate in a week. This is the reasoning that destines me for failure. I get up and run. I leave her laying on the ground with the bread. Truth is I haven't the heart to kill. I have only killed one person in the last year, and in my life for that matter, and that was for self defense. That's the reason I'm always starving. I think of the end result of what I do. I'm to nice, that's my problem, that's what screws me every time.

Phil · Accepted Answer

Overall, it's a pretty interesting idea, but there are certain categories you may want to work on:

Some sentences could be longer, while others are unnecessary. 
Your narrator/protagonist seems to be a somewhat condescending, but also virtuous. Add on to those sort of character traits: think about trying to incorporate more details about the horrors of his life in the future. Conversely, sentences like "My knife is a large butcher knife that I stole" could be shortened, added to another sentence, or completely omitted with few, if any, consequences. "It's not only a physical thing is psychological too" doesn't seem to make any sense, and should be removed as well.

Add more detail. Contrary to what my U.S history professor says, fluff is good, at least for this fictitious piece. I liked the detail about seeing the old lady's eye color, but I think you could have made it even better. You could try something like, "At this point, I was close enough to see the moonlight glimmer from her green, wise eyes. Close enough to smell the succulent aromas of that fresh, warm bread. Maybe even hidden enough to slice her and take the bread without having to look at the mess. Maybe, but probably not." That's also pretty bad, but I think you could add something like that in.

Finally, watch out for grammar, conventions, word choice, etc... Stay in character, yet also maintain an air of omnipresence, as the narrator is supposed to be retelling the story. Watch out for grammar mistakes; I think I saw a few conjunctions without apostrophes and sentences without periods.

Overall, an interesting short story. I suggest you keep writing stories. If you want continuous reviews, try posting something up on online user-created story websites like fictionpress or fanfiction. I'm sure that this story could develop into a grand idea if you work on it. Best of luck to you!

Hannah J Paul · Answer

I cannot say it any better than Phil, above. I really like it. Maybe watch your spelling. Elm Street near the 'pear' should be near the 'pier.' Misspelled words and incorrect grammar will immediately detract from your writing. People will focus on your mistakes instead of your talent. But I really like it! It grabbed my attention . . . making me want to keep reading. That's good!

Hannah J Paul

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I want your opinion on what I wrote please?

2 Answers