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How to describe two things happening at the same time in a story?

I am writing a story in third person and i hate the way i am wording it, i want to describe two things at the same time without using the word "as" 3 or 4x in the same sentence and the words "his, her" so much when describing a character interacting with another character or a love scene.

Can anyone give me any tips? Or is this okay for third person writing?

Made up Example:

Lola went over to the door as the bell rang for a second time. "i am coming!", Lola shouted looking through the peek hole to see her sister Lila. Opening the door as Lila stepped in with an annoyed expression, Lola looked towards her closing the door. "Something wrong?", Lola asked as Lila turned towards her sister.

I used "as" 3x in this phrase and "her" once

3 Answers

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  • ?
    Lv 5
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It would be this:

    Lola jogged over to the door as it rang for a second time. "I'm coming!" she shouted, and then murmured something under her breath. Looking through the peep hole, she discovered it was her sister, Lila. Quickly, she opened the door and Lila stepped in with an annoyed expression plastered across her freckled face. Lola looked towards her whilst she closed the door, asking with her brows brought together, "Something wrong?"

    ---/

    I added a few things to make it a bit better, and I'm sure you can even tweak it some more, but I just eliminated the multiple uses of the word "as" and switched it for something else.

    Good luck!

  • 7 years ago

    Use the word or phrase "parallel to" or just use subtle metaphors while describing something. Directly describing things is very situational (it does not work with every situation)

  • 7 years ago

    Other words/phrases could be simultaneous, while, meanwhile, at the same time, during (this time)(which), concurrently, all at once, ect.

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