How do I make sure that someone doesn't cut again?!?

My granddaughter went through this self-destructive phase after several back-to-back (high-current) traumas at a relatively young age of 8, to include the wrongful death of her mom (my daughter), being ripped away from me (her grandmother) by the man my daughter was fleeing who was a rapist, only to be displaced again when he cheated on his wife (the stepmom with which my granddaughter had bonded) with a 17-year-old foster child, and my granddaughter felt the "Patty Hearst" confusion with her "captor" (her dad)...and in the midst all this chaos and angst she repressed her feelings, was told by her drug-addicted dad that she had to "hate" me when I tried to make contact---he had her write a letter that said I had killed her mom (which she knew was not true, but she dutifully wrong what he wanted)...and she began secretly cutting herself.

When her wayward father wore out his welcome everywhere else, I patiently waited for him to ask for help from me so that I could reconnect with my granddaughter. Once I took him in (he was homeless and still with the 17-year-old), I got him into rehab and worked to get my granddaughter back under my care. She was afraid for anyone to know about the self-cutting and wore long sleeves or cut-off gloves in warm weather that I could sense were out of character. My first task was to reestablish trust, an environment of unconditional positive regard. After she had been ripped away from me at age 8 she developed an almost-obsession with Robocop, and I knew that meant she had internalized her purest real feelings and then built up a robotic response set to deal with things she did not understand or with which she could not cope. Understanding this helped me communicate---an important factor in helping someone in crisis.

Fear of having someone know can be overwhelming for someone in turmoil...and it is the overwhelming turmoil that leads to the cutting. Once someone trustworthy (a counselor, a strong friend, a trusted parental figure) does know, sometimes this is enough to take the internalized pressure off---sort of like popping a pus-filled blister. For my granddaughter, she was afraid the kids at school would call her a "psycho" or some other derogatory term and this fear (tension) added to the pressures she was feeling as a young teenager. I told her they would not even think that way if she could come up with a believable explanation for the cut on her arm, so I gave her one the kids would buy: "I wanted a tattoo but my dad and grandma said no...so I tried to do one myself. Pretty stupid, I guess." She thought for a long moment, nodded her head, and said, "That might work." It was the last time she did it...and I encouraged her to confide in the school counselor who had also once counseled her mom. She is now in her second year of college with an Engineering Design major and has been on the Dean's List for two semesters. Your friend might just need a confidante to get past the turmoil. An emotional outlet might also be useful, so see if this friend could try acting...join a theater group at school or in the community. With that much emotion, there might be a real talent for acting.

Be there. Keep in touch, check their wrists. If you find a cut, dont get mad, most cutters cut from stress. Ask why they had cut themselves and then talk with them. Dont pry to much.