I don't know what to do about my partner?

Question

I am 25 and he is 28.
We moved in together over 2 years ago but have been together for 5.
Over this time he has gotten quite lazy, he never likes to go anywhere and after work he comes home and plays video games.
We don't really have a lot of time off together, my work hours are pretty good, Monday to Friday week and public holidays off.
He works in retail and his days off alternate but we never get the same time off.
He always seems to forget to ask for time off when we want to plan a holiday, we have had to cancel 2 holidays in the past because of this. He hasn't had a holiday in a year and a half and over the last couple moths I have gone away with family without him twice.
I have tried to talk to him about it several times, of course I always paranoid and seeing things negatively.. 
Regardless of all of this I know he loves me, he isn't verbally or physically abusive. He is just stuck in his bubble of comfort which is fine for him but I have so many aspirations to travel and study..
We have all the same friends and own two dogs together who are like my children..
I have thought about ending it, but we share so much and I still love him and cannot think about being the person that hurts him... I just feel I cannot live this life with him, I feel trapped... I have cried to myself a lot and have been so frustrated I have self harmed... 
What do I do?!

? · Answer

You can ALWAYS get out of a relationship.  If it isn't going anywhere, there is nothing wrong with moving on.  You've been together for 5 years.   What about marraige?  Is that something the two of you have talked about?   
I think you've waited long enough.

Just b/c you need to move on in your life doesn't make you the bad guy here.    Sometimes relationships just don't work out.

Before you start talking about moving out and on with your life, I think you need to have a series of discussions with him about how you feel.   Tell him you're feeling like the relationship and y'alls lives aren't really moving forward and then ask him what he thinks about it.   Listen to him and try to get his side of things.

If y'all can't seem to talk honestly and openly with each other, then I think it's time for couples counseling to see if the two of you can figure out how to communicate with each other better.   I know his schedule is crazy, but y'all should be able to work around it and I hope he is willing to.

Not knowing the guy at all and just making a general assessment, I think he feels trapped too....  trapped in retail and he plays video games for escape b/c he isn't living the life he wants to... I don't believe he is happy where he is either.  I also think it would be healthy for him to have guy-time if he doesn't already.

Helen · Answer

When you're with the right person, you don't think about ending it. Sure you have ups and downs, the odd row, and some days you're happier than others. But you never seriously think about ending it. You aren't frustrated or  angry for lengthy periods of time. You don't cry to yourself, feel trapped, or resort to self harm.
No one self harms over a lack of holidays. Clearly there's bigger issues, and this relationship isn't right for you.
Sure it's hard to walk away from something that's familiar and comforting, but if you don't, this is the life you're stuck with.

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I don't know what to do about my partner?

2 Answers