Why can't I come out?

You don't have to come out. 14 is still pretty young. Your sexuality isn't 'set in stone' until you're 18 at least.

A bisexual girl I used to date once told me that ALL girls were bisexual to some extent, and if there wasn't such a strong stigma attached, you'd see a lot more open bisexuality. She didn't know this for a fact, of course, but she had a strong hunch based on the girls she'd interacted with in high school.

Just try to relax. Follow your heart. You don't have to -declare- your sexuality like you declare your party when you register to vote. A lot of us have feelings and emotions that aren't easy for us to talk about. Anyway it's nobody's business but your own. You have to be happy with yourself and believe that you are worthy of love or you'll never be loved, because if someone wants to get close to you you'll push them away.

FWIW I have a few gay men friends and I've never felt any of them were coming on to me. It doesn't bother me at all.

Hi Maddy :)

You don't have to "come out"...and I can see why you're feeling confused in that situation. You're surrounded by well-meaning family and friends, so even though the messages they're sending you are quite controlling (they're helping society to squeeze you into one of its little boxes..."gay", "straight", "bi" or whatever), you're vulnerable to those messages because you know that these people love you and want the best for you. The problem is, little boxes are not healthy: you're a human being, and labels like "gay" are really only helpful when you can't deal with the diversity of real human beings, and need to simplify it by labeling people.

As an example, if you preferred strawberry ice cream to chocolate ice cream, would you feel pressure to "come out" as a "strawberryist"? Probably not...so why, if you prefer sexual experiences with your own gender, would you feel pressure to "come out" as "gay"? You feel that pressure because society treats people differently based on their sexual preferences (it could treat people differently based on their ice cream preferences, in which case you'd feel pressure there too). Society wants to treat you as a different "kind of person" (a "gay" person or a "straight" person), simply because you enjoy particular kinds of experience. You don't have to play along with that game! You're you...a unique person...and you can love anyone you want to love: you don't have to label yourself as a different kind of person. You can if you want to...if you enjoy the identity of "bi" because it advertises the fact that you're open to sexual experiences with more people, then go ahead and "come out as bi"...but you do NOT have to if you're not comfortable doing so.

Listen to your heart. If you know in your heart that you'll be happier with a "bi" identity, then you just need to push through your nervousness and come out: set a time for doing so (tomorrow morning at breakfast, for example) and just do it. On the other hand, if you feel really yuck about it, or a sense of panic, just listen to your heart and don't do it! LOTS of people who identify as "straight" have had occasional sexual experiences with others of the same gender: they just prefer to keep thinking of themselves as "straight". Other people enjoy the "bi" identity and so as soon as they notice some attraction to people of the same gender, they leap at the opportunity to define themselves as "bi". Many people who identify as "gay" and who are only interested in partners of the same gender, started out having sexual relationships with people of the opposite gender...sometimes for many years...yet they don't define themselves as "bi", because it's up to them how they want to define themselves: nobody has the right to push them into one box or another. Not even the most well-meaning "gay rights" activists: people like that, convinced that they're doing the right thing (as they are, for themselves and many of their friends), can be the worst at forcing labels onto others. As the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

So, you don't need to give in to social pressure to define yourself as "straight"...but equally, you don't need to give in to pressure from well-meaning family and friends to define yourself as "bi" or "gay", just because of feelings for or experiences with other people. It's up to you: if you WANT to identify as "bi", go ahead and come out and be comfortable with that. Just know that you can choose to identify as "straight" if you prefer to do so, even if you have the occasional experience with other girls...or better still, you can chuck all those labels out the window and just be yourself, and allow other people to be themselves, without making such a big deal out of their sexual preferences that you treat them as though their sexual preferences make them into different kinds of people :)

Set yourself free and be the person you want to be. The rest of your life is yours to live and you have the choice to live it your way. You will be judged by others, so be prepared to accept being judged and move on living your life. Those who judge you have a problem; you don't have a problem were you to accept yourself just the way you are and change by and for yourself, not for any other person.

You're only 14 years, give it some time. Jeesh.