Will we ever have a “relationship” or will it always feel awkward ?

Me and my mother have never been close , I lived with my dad till he died when I was 9, I moved in with my grandparents and lived with them on and off the rest of my childhood going between their house and hers .

I don’t have any good childhood memories with her , most of the childhood memories I do have in general are traumatic ones , (my father being high , my mother constantly leaving me behind not knowing when I was gonna see her again because I was young and didn’t know)

We always clashed , she has literally only hugged me once in my life , she is someone I constantly feared telling anything growing up once I was living with her (teen years )

To this day I still don’t tell her things just random things out of fear of disapproval or anything she will say or her comments she will make .

We have no relationship really at all , we talk but I do not feel anything , like I don’t feel any mother daughter bond , I resent her for a lot of things especially for the relationship she has with my youngest sibling because they have the relationship I wish we had .

I just wanna know

If this is gonna be this way my entire life ? Am I always going to feel this way and what would you do in my situation ?