How long can a person endure themselves, their thoughts, and their feelings?

i'm a failed person, not married and can't even find a job, companies in my country always looking for "paper" rather than "skill", i can't blame them though.

i feel so much hate for myself. but i kept denying it and holding it back.

my father never trust in me since i was an elementary student, although i always proved to him by always came out on top 3 in my school at every graduation, up until high school, but seeing what i have become right now, i guess he's right. and since i was a kid i kept telling myself that life is beautiful and i have to endure it, i kept being a good person, i like making many friends. i helped many people, i often broke my bones to save someone. i'm extremely happy to see people happy even on little things, so sad i could cry if i see people sad, i even shed tears seeing someone dropped her ice cream last week at the park so i bought her another one.

yet despite all of that, i failed to develop myself and build my own life. 2 times failed in serious relationship, both my fiancee left me for someone else with no reason, but i know the blame's on me.

the thoughts about "life is beautiful" has always shielding me from killing myself, positive feelings has always been my weapon to fight the urge. i'm proud to say that i'm not suicidal, and despite my own personal life is ugly, it's true that life in general is beautiful, the world is beautiful.

i can endure the voices, but for how long? i'm just a human with a simple mind, and i'm tired.