I have a very different sometimes difficult wife?

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You married a girl who has a 23-year-old autistic son and a 13-year-old daughter.  So she was like 40 years old when you decided to tie the knot?  And she had two kids living with her?  And she's very independent, to the point where everything has to be her way?

Y'know, you are going to take this the wrong way, but that is good.  Maybe this is the SMACK upside the head with a clue-by-4 that you really need...but many years too late in coming...

The average guy would have bowed out out of this situation before the first date.  

A SLOWER (mentally) guy would have ended the relationship during the first or second date.

What kind of moron would hang around long enough to have a long-term relationship that leads to marriage in this situation?   Objectively speaking...her looks are gone, she has no free time to spend with a boyfriend, her personality has to be off the charts in the wrong direction, she is OVER wanting to have kids now if she is even still dropping eggs.  What does the guy get out of this besides someone to empty his wallet regularly???

You are here on YA complaining that you have a difficult wife.  Well NO SHlT SHERLOCK.  She had to be a real nightmare of a girlfriend.  I think the average guy could have found a better catch trolling the local bingo halls...

Explain to her that you would like to be included in the family routine. You like to feel needed. Surely, as a mother

she could understand that. 

I think it may take awhile, but she will eventually come to appreciate you. 

It's not about your desire feel yourself to be helpful, about your desire to feel that you're contributing. It's actually BEING helpful. 

"Honey, I've carried those parcels from your car into the house" isn't helpful if she doesn't WANT those parcels in the house, if she wants them in her car, you know? 

Of course "your way" is wrong. She's doing the driving, not you. What is right is ASKING how you can be helpful and then following instructions, doing things HER way. 

You say "still has a lot of independent ways about her." You say "be the man of the house." Sounds like you're not much of team player, like you resent being treated as an equal partner. If you make your marriage into a power struggle, then your marriage isn't going to work. 

I agree with the first two replies that this is a situation where you have to sit down with her and talk. Not in anger or frustration. Let her know that you understand why she's accustomed to being independent - she's had to be - but that you hoped when you married her that you could take at least some of the load off her.

Explain that you feel you're not contributing, and ask her to suggest - maybe not right away, maybe she could think about it for a day or two - ways in which you could be helpful without getting under her feet.

I certainly don't see why you shouldn't refuel the truck: there's only one way to do that, and while you're doing it, she can be doing something else.

Conversation, with a lot of good will. That's what you need.

You have a quiet sit down with her, and talk to her about all of this. If you cannot get her to change, maybe you will have to change, maybe even a permanent one.

Your wife may be highly anxious, or she may have some OCD traits. It's very hard to change other people. At least she's clear about what she wants, which is important. Be clear about what you need and want as well. Even if she can't agree to what you want, she will understand you better. Marriage is tough.