Creativity now, or later? Should I workout or dissapoint my plans of being creative? Should I be a fighter? I play guitar?

The only way of quitting my anger is if I take marijuana in pill form. I also want to learn to draw, and play guitar. But, I don't FEEL LIKE sittin' there doing something miserable all day like masturbation while I'm traumatized. That's the most annoying shvt ever, I feel like KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE I WANT TO MASTURBATE SO DAMN MUCH. I fell into a deep depression, and I've felt like I've said something about my sister, and I don't want to go down that road again. What do you think I should do? I didn't do it, so get high or quit and practice peace and working on being a fighter? Which is first?