Am I experiencing depression or grief? ?

Grief is not depression but it can lead to depression. If the condition persists too long, it should be considered depression and treated as such. You can take a screening test online, such as CESD R. There's a lot of things that can help with depression. I have information about standard treatments and self-help, and you're welcome to click on my name and read.

There’s a great book, Authoritative Guide to Self-Help Resources for Mental Help, based on polls of more than 3,000 professionals. The book recommended most often for grief is How to Go On Living when Someone You Love Dies.

first, let me say how sorry I am for your losses, and that I hope something I say will help. You have gone through a lot lately, and with each loss, the grief can increase, and cause depression. So, you may be suffering both grief and depression. You know, back in biblical times, when someone died and the person felt grief, they would weep and wail for 30 days; life virtually stopped during that time, to allow the person to grieve. Although this is deemed impractical now, I actually think it was a great idea. If you were allowed to cry for 30 days, and give full attention to grief, then I would imagine after 30 days, the person would be all cried out, and want to get back to living. As it is now, I've known people who lost a spouse and were expected back to work in 3 days.. it's ridiculous to think that someone would just be able to move on in such a short period of time. I guess what I am trying to say is DON'T push your emotions to the back burner - if you don't deal with this, it will just go on and on.. Maybe you can't take a trip away, but perhaps you could spend a weekend just trying to deal with all this, and doing nothing else?

One tried and tested method of getting the emotions out, is writing. A study was done where they asked one group of people to journal every day about anything they liked, and another group to journal only about terrible, hurtful things that had happened to them.. at the end of the trial period, they found that the group that wrote out just their pain, felt 'cleansed' - it's much like crying. I've tried this myself, and it IS helpful! You want to get the pain out, not stuff it down.. 

Another writing exercise that will help, is to write down your blessings. Every day for 15 minutes, with pen and paper, to slow the thought process, write down every good thing about your life.. everything and anything. So, for eg. I can tell from your post that you have hands that work, that you can type and have access to a computer.. as silly as this may sound, writing down your blessings FORCES the brain to think positive thoughts. Do this for 2 weeks, and you will notice a huge difference in your thoughts! Your mind will be thinking of positive thoughts even when you are not doing the exercise... I offer this suggestion, because ALL of us tend to think negative thoughts about 85% of the time, if left unchecked. Then when something terrible happens, those negative thoughts can become worse. Negative thinking can become a habit. The good thing is that habits can be broken! If you do this exercise, you will be forming a new habit and the negative thoughts WILL go away.. and you will be surprised how fast this works! Literally you will feel different in just days.

Another good habit to get into is REFUSE to indulge negative thoughts, such as 'I'm all alone" etc.. first, refuse to do it, because it is a pointless waste of time and energy - thinking negative thoughts solves nothing, fixes nothing and changes NOTHING.. too many people let their emotions run their lives and that is not the way we are supposed to live - the brain is a tool to be used. YOU call the shots. YOU decide what you will think about. It is always a decision you make; always a choice. So, here is how to get control over your thoughts.

1) a negative thought comes to mind "I'm alone"

2) stop right there and immediately say to yourself "I refuse to think this way. I decide right now, this very minute to not indulge useless, painful thoughts. I control what I think about! I will not be the victim of negative thinking.

3) CHANGE YOUR FOCUS to something self affirming and positive. "I can do this. I can move on in life, and not get stuck in the past or in my pain. I can take on a new challenge, join a support group, make new friends. I can do this and each day, it will get just a little bit easier. 

Can you see what is going on? First you shut down the negative thoughts, then you think positive thoughts, and focus on a goal/solution to the situation (make new friends, take on a project etc).. never focus on a problem, ALWAYS focus on the solution to the problem. Focusing on a problem (you have lost those who were important to you), keeps you stuck in that problem, but thinking of and focusing on a solution/goal moves you forward, gets you 'unstuck', renews your hope and enthusiasm for life.. positive thoughts CREATE positive emotions.. that's the only way to feel happy. It's the only way our thoughts work. If you think negative, you FEEL negative. If you THINK positive, you FEEL positive.. and it is always a choice you make. While this is basically true, it doesn't always apply - because there does have to be a period of grief given. But eventually, you do have to move on.. In my own personal life, I suffered a major loss and cried every night for 3 months straight. I started to realize that if I didn't find a way to stop, I might never stop! So, what I did was to put time limits on the crying, and gave myself a future date when I would stop. It worked! Before, I would go to bed at 9pm and cry myself to sleep. I started to go to bed at 10pm, and in this way, I cut one hour off the crying time. I would just stay really busy from 9 - 10.. then, once in bed, I would try and think pleasant thoughts and stretch it as long as I could. I set a date for in 2 months.. and every night, I would remind myself, "only 8 more weeks of this", "only 7 more weeks" etc.. and when the actual date came, I was prepared to stop - I just kept saying, 'this can't go on. I must stop and I will stop on (the date). And it did work. 

Unfortunately, life includes death. Life is hard, and is full of painful lessons.. I would just like to add one last, but very important thought - grief and hardship is often what God uses to turn us to himself. People who have trouble-free lives, rarely turn to God. God loves us so much that  He is willing to do just about anything, to get our attention, in the hopes that we will turn to Him.. because He knows we NEED Him.. you are never really alone - God will never force His way into your life, but He is there waiting for you.. Rev. 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in". THIS is God's promise to you.. Invite Him into your life, and He WILL come in and help you. 

Sounds like a normal grieving pattern.

Often talking to a grief counselor (often a phone service) can help.

Just knowing that your feelings are normal following a loss is helpful.