How do I get YouTube to come film me?

be famous and then youtube will come to film you

Get a Camera, it could be your Phone, or something else.  Shoot the Video, the Better Content the more views you get, edit the video and go to Youtube, sign in and upload a the video, this is not rocket science!

its a conspiracy against actual talent man im telling you

You don't. Either you film yourself or get someone else to do it for you.

Break out your phone or camera and film yourself. 

Set up your phone or camera on a tripod, push the record button, and then film yourself.  Use a video editor software (many free ones out there) and just snip out the parts of you walking in and out of the shots and anything else you want to exclude, and post your video.

YouTube doesn't film anyone. it is a website to host your OWN videos that YOU make.

You don't. That's what the "You" is for. YOU do the filming, and then upload it.

So this is why the alternative political parties can't get a YouTube video? Ok, YOU make your video, and upload it to youtube.com.