Advice for a newly engaged Asexual?

Question

My boyfriend just proposed to me last week. I said yes because 1:heat of the moment, 2: There were people there, my friend was filming and it would have been embarrassing for both of us had I said otherwise, and 3: I would likely have ruined any relationship we had if I just said otherwise right then. Thinking back, if I had said no I probably would have run away and been way too ashamed to ever give him a legitimate response. I love him but i dont want to lead him to believe that in a few months we'll be able to share in something special meanwhile I have no intention of compromising who i am. Honestly all I told him was that I wasnt going to/wasnt comfortable doing anything intimate till after marriage thinking I'd have plenty of time to work up the nerve to tell him. He's been very understanding but I have been too scared to tell him the real truth. I know I need to talk to him and probably break it off in secret or hope he's even more understanding... idk. Im just so worried I'll lose him completely though of course I want him to be happy even if thats not with me. Id be okay as friends ive just never been bold enough to speak my mind and be honest with anyone on something as big as this. Any advice?

T J · Answer

Just sit him down and hand him back the ring, and tell him what you are telling us. The longer you wait, the harder it will get to tell him. It is also unfair to let him think everything is fine. Now you are wasting his time from finding the one that wants to marry him..You are being very selfish by not telling him.

Joseph · Answer

I probably want a hug.

? · Answer

I think maybe you should sit him down and talk to you. This is why you really need to be honest with someone before all this stuff happens because you both could’ve had a very perfect relationship. At this point , the relationship has about a 20% chance of working and that is only if he is willing to compromise who he is. Use this as a lesson, and make sure next time you give your true authentic self to somebody. It’s not fair to him that he has his mind on marrying someone that he pictures he knows all of. Your happiness matters in this equation , but still.

Anonymous · Answer

You already know what you have to do, you're just thinking aloud here.  It's okay.  It's going to hurt and people are going to be sad, but it's much better to speak up and not accidentally try to live a lie in order to keep the peace.  You know this already.  Just keep remembering that in five years time everybody concerned will feel really relieved that you spoke up and put a stop to this.  You can love someone and a relationship can still be the wrong thing.  If you love someone the very best thing you can do is to set them free.  I'm sorry that you're going to be the villain of the piece for a while.  It will blow over - eventually.

Fwiw, public engagements like that are a really terrible thing to do because of all the reasons you ran through above.  I've actually known several people who've said "yes" on the spot for fear of causing a scene and less than a month later they'd broken up.  Courage, you're not the only one.

PS, Don't suggest being friends, that would be cruel even if it seems kind.  Your boyfriend will be really hurt in the moment.  In order to get to a place of closure he has to not see you.  Let him know that you're not enemies and make sure that you create space between you.  Be cordial if you have to be at the same functions, send birthday and christmas cards if you feel like it, but keep it brief and cool, shut down "just because" conversations.  You might become friends again, but please understand that this is years down the line.  Don't be enemies, don't make people choose sides.

It will be okay and it's alright to feel sad, even if you're officially "the bad guy."  In a few years time everyone will agree that it was for the best, nobody was evil, and filming public proposals is a really bad idea.  Take care.

Anna · Answer

You need to be honest with him. That you aren't into sex and he has a right to know. You don't want your relationship to be based on lies it could lead to heartache and him being sexually frustrated if he's not asexual like you. If he loves you and doesn't mind not having sex, he should accept you. I personally couldn't be with an asexual, as I have a high sex drive and I'm currently sexually frustrated because of the pandemic (as the guy I  was seeing is shielding. I did message and sext with a guy on Snapchat but we never had sex) and wouldn't want to be like that forever but I can only speak for me. You're not wrong you should do what you're comfortable with. If your boyfriend does end things, then you weren't meant for each other.

n2mama · Answer

You can be honest with him now and save you both a lot of heartache and hassle, or you can be honest with him in a few years when your marriage disintegrates. This is way too big a thing not to be honest about before making the commitment of marriage. Depending on your feelings, his feelings, and the overall relationship, perhaps you would still be married but with an open relationship where he is free to seek sexual fulfillment from other people. Or maybe you end the relationship entirely. But you should not get married to him while keeping your total lack of interest in sex a secret. It’s so very unfair to him.

Lynnmarie · Answer

Maybe you could break it to him gently but saying, although you love him,  you really aren't  interested in sex and that you think he has a right to know this before you start making plans for the wedding. 
Apologize for not telling him earlier and explain that it's difficult for you to talk about.  I think he will be understanding.

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Advice for a newly engaged Asexual?

7 Answers