Woody

Office Policy Revision

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective today, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all staff.

Under this policy , a "Restroom Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, staff will be given a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.

Currently, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with Personnel Identification Stations (PIS) and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next three weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to your supervisor. The voice Personell Identification Stations will be operational, but not restrictive for the remainder of this month. Employees should aquaint themselves with the stations during this period.

If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank reaches zero, the restroom doors will not unlock for that employee's voice until the next month.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm is sounded. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open.

If you have any questions about the new policy, please see your supervisor.

12th Grade Reading Test

No.1

M R DUCKS

M R KNOT

O S A R

C M WANGS

L I B

M R DUCKS

No.2

M R SNAKES

M R KNOT

S A R

C M B D I's

L I B

M R SNAKES

No.3

M R MICE

M R KNOT

S A R

C M E D B D FEET

L I B

M R MICE

No. 4

M R FARMERS

M R KNOT

S A R

C M M T POCKETS

L I B

M R FARMERS

Aproved by Hillary Clinton

Maine

Vermont

Arkansas

A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world . . .

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Effective Immediately:

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs -- you should not consider removing anything, since we hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year, which we call "Saturday" and "Sunday".

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing, and in advance.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Have a nice week.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

The butcher said, "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.00

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst.

An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on

water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

All the employees at a company met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked the new guy, George, to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late.

On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and again wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left- or right-handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

"Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy," George replied. "Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. It gives me good luck, and because of that I usually win."

"OK," one of the employees questioned. "But what happens if your wife is laying on her back?"

"In that case," George says, "I am six minutes late."

If your happy and you know it clap your hands. It's the best way to make everybody laugh especially if your in the middle of a class.

Friends are the best things that will ever happen to you. But that doesn't mean you have to keep the same ones. People change, so do you...when that happens accept it and move on. but don't forget to remember your old friends; they have helped make your life what it is now.

Never break a fax machine-it will beep for three days straight.

Parents are the same, they'll yell and scream and shout because they want to help. They also have feelings.

Never try to stay up the whole night and tell your friend that they can do anything to wake you up if you fall asleep; especially if they have Ice tea in their hand.

If you smile, someone will smile back.

If you dip pieces of apple in apple juice it will taste really weird.

There are people that love you but just don't know how to show it.

If you get hit with a ball and you start crying everyone will walk over to see how you are. If you're having a bad day but you're not crying only your best friends will.

The best feeling in the world is to ride with the window down and to be singing along with a song on the radio.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Normal people are people you don't know.

There is always one teacher that everyone hates that never misses school.

People may forget what you said but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

A Redneck told the pharmacist, "I have a hot date tonight, and I need me some pertection. How much is a pack of them there rubbers gonna cost me"?

The pharmacist responded, " A three-pack of condoms is $6.99, with tax".

"TACKS"! hollered the Redneck, "Gawll A'Mighty! Don't they stay on by theirselves"?!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again"

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but

instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,

So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

He noticed one man in the front row nodding knowingly. "Yes?" the doctor says, asking the man to speak aloud.

"Wedding cake."

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. Isn't that the TRUTH!!!

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear really tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing Together and setting my tights/pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?

That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria 's Secret is. The secret is that nobody, older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.

"Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river.

"Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence ...to cross this river."

And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.