Ethan

It's a Toshiba laptop and it was charging whilst we were using it... then it just turned off. We tried to turn it back on, but the normal Toshiba start screen came up and then... it turned off again. Any advice?

Ok, here's a test. Can you tell which paragraph comes from a published book? By the way, this question came from a discussion I had with a friend who said it was blatantly obvious whether a writer was published (or will be published) in the future or whether the writer was an amateur. Here goes — don't cheat (aka look it up on google)!

1)The bugle finished the last few measures of Taps and Lucas, who was already crumbling into a thousand pieces on the inside, braced himself for the twenty one gun salute that would follow. Every round of shots fired felt like nails being hammered into his heart, forever sealing in the grief he felt at the loss of his father. The grief was substantial, but managed to somehow settle itself alongside the grief he held for his mother Carolyn; the woman he had known and loved for the briefest of time.

2) Seven o'clock on a Monday morning, five hundred years after the End of the World, and goblins had been at the cellar again. Mrs Scattergood— the landlady at the Seven Sleepers Inn— swore it was rats, but Maddy Smith knew better. Only goblins could have burrowed into the brick-lined floor; besides, as far as she knew, rats didn't drink ale.

The first is the second paragraph of a novel and the second is the first paragraph of a novel. So, can you tell the difference?

We have a family car that has been in use since 2001. Sadly, this past year, it has broken down quite a few times so it is time to say farewell. I don't know anything about the car world so where would I go to sell it? I don't want to sell online, so should I call up a car dealer who will then *come to where I live to collect it and buy it*?

I need the buyer to come here to collect it. Will a car dealer do that? Also, do I even go to a car dealer?

Thanks!

...and all she sees is a load of blood where the man once was? Would she be in denial and try to search for his body or would she be breaking down and going into hysterics?

I ask this question because in my novel, my characters follow the former course of action but it was a difficult decision as it forced me to come to terms with the true personalities of my characters.

So, what about your characters?

I watch as the first canvas awnings are raised, signalling the start of a new day. It is like the calling of birds on a jubilant summer morning. The motion has become a part of my life but today the normality is broken by a single difference.

The ambulance sirens are still shrieking as I arrive at the pub. “The King’s Tavern” stands on the corner of East Lane, a popular destination for the rowdy and the troubled. It is certainly no place for kings. The black woman beside me is screaming “Murder! Murder!” to everyone who will listen to her but from the looks of the police it is much more serious than that; they have confused expressions on their faces rather than the usual confident gaze they show to passers-by. Two of them are muttering to each other near the tape so I push my way through the rapidly increasing crowd to hear their words.

if I'm on my laptop, which is unplugged but seems to be made out of metal-y plastic? Thunderstorms in England arghhh. Thanks for the help

I just now thought up a title I really like - "Paper Planes". I'm trying to come up with a plot that goes with it, probably a short story. Which way did the idea for your novel come from? Which came first - the plot or the title?

Oooh, just thought of a plot to go with paper planes:

Set in a world where planes haven't been invented, a man and a woman meet in an origami class. Here, they find they become friends and send messages across the room in the form of paper planes. When the woman goes to England in search of a new life, the man begins to realise that he loved. He shows this by sending a paper plane in a parcel/ envelope to the woman. The man then invents the first ever plane (inspired by the paper planes they sent to each other) and ends up flying it all the way to England, to meet the woman again.

BQ: What do you think? Too cliche, too implausible? Or... cute and heart-warming? :)

It's about a man called Logan being allured by a shadow soul and then being killed. Are the descriptions of terror to generic and overdone?

I am about to reply when I hear a cry up ahead. Logan has abandoned us, moving to the left, his eyes glazed, his feet moving deftly between the trees. Myles and Joseph are yelling out to him, trying to get him to come back but, in an instant, Logan has disappeared into the green foliage, absorbed into thin air. Myles makes to run after him but Joseph holds him back, all the while yelling at Logan not to be so stupid.

“Logan, what are you doing?” I yell out into the impending darkness. Each word rips from my throat.

And that’s when it happens. The silence of the night is stolen by the shrill screams of Logan, ringing out through the chill air. All we can do is stand there, tremulous and terrified. Suddenly, the night transforms into a hulking presence, shrouding everything with darkness so bleak, so icy that we are forced to our knees, trembling. I cannot see a thing; all I can do is stay rooted to the spot, listening to the petrified pleas for help. Sheer terror rises in my heart and I panic, reaching out for a hand in the dense gloom.

Logan is gone.

Any other thoughts on the rest of the description are also appreciated. I was simply trying to diverge from the ordinary when I penned that second sentence. Thanks in advance.

"The zip of my hoodie clinks as we walk. Sunlight glimmers through slight gaps in between the leaves, making Bas, who trudges beside me, look like a redundant cinema screen. The trees seem to have lightened up since last night and now they are markedly more welcoming. I see a colony of small winged insects fly through a cranny in one of the tree trunks. As we walk past, fire roars from the crack. I quicken my pace."

P.S the setting is a forest, if you haven't already guessed.

Sorry, it has completely slipped my mind. I want to say something like suddenly and quickly and seriously all at the same time, whilst also conveying the impression that the speaker has changed the subject. I thought "suddenly" but I don't like using that word because I already used it in the previous paragraph etc. It is a way to describe the way someone says something (adverb, most likely). Here is the passage:

“Our captain recommended it to us. We’ve been travelling for nigh on five days through this forest to get to it. Then we saw you pop out of the sky,” says Joseph.

“Yeah, how did you do that?” Bas asks me. I simply shrug. I’m not quite sure what happened, myself. Memories of the Hum come racing back; the voices; the bright light; and the spinning sensation. I remember feeling like it was the mutter of another world. Now that theory doesn’t seem so crazy.

“It’s getting late,” says Logan _____.

The underlined area is where I want the word. Any suggestions?

...where the main characters are transported to different fantasy worlds? I want to analyse the way the characters react

On average?

... what do you do? For example, I have a drunk man saying to a boy "Haven't seen yeh in a loooong time, brother!" I have a feeling I just italicise the word "long" but I may be wrong. I don't think I've seen many words written like "loooong" in novels which is why I think it is simply italicised. Am I right?

I'm nearing it. What about you guys?

Basically, I have some gnomes and a MC who are making their way through the forest to scout out a town which they have lost contact with and of which they believe to be in trouble. As the journey is long , they decide to stay in the old underground network once used by the wiped out dwarves. Here, they are attacked by a mad man who they end up killing. I'm just worried that the Moria similarities will distract readers?

PS. I did not base it on Moria. I wrote it and then realised it was somewhat like Tolkien's idea.

I recently had a discussion with another user about the process of planning a novel. I don't particularly plan my novels and much prefer to "make it up as I go along". What about you guys? I want to see how beginning writers plan in comparison to more experienced writers.

Any critique is welcome:

“Good whiteday, gashers!” He turned to 678. “Excellent news, the Mayor has decided to make you a permanent citizen of Alandor until you find some other accommodation. He only asks for some hard work in payment.” Nord obviously thought he had done a good deed but 678 couldn’t help feeling a little ungrateful. He didn’t want to live here, anyway, amongst these jovial men, dressed in dungarees. 678 knew that he had to try and find a way out but he didn’t know how. It was evident that the Hum had something to do with all this but, ever since he had arrived in Pavo, 678 had not been able to find the rhythm again.

“Thanks, you’ve done so much for me,” said 678 with a gentle smile. “However, what is this “other accommodation” you talk about? Is there another town I could get to?”

The gnome with the oversized clothes, whom the others had introduced as ‘Bas”, suddenly looked up. “Yes. Town on other side of forest. Only term away.” He gestured towards the direction of the settlement.

“What Bas is trying to say is that it’s a long way away which is why we have chosen to let you stay here for now. I wouldn’t advise staying there.” said Guy.

“Why not? Evil gnomes?”

678 laughed but the others fell silent. The Tunnel gnome from the night before said,

“Not gnomes, no. The town holds all sorts of unlikely characters. We have not heard from them in a long time. Last night, we thought you were a flyer from Husk but, alas, you were not. Last we heard from them, they had just got some new visitors.” He looked around at the other gnomes sat around the table. “Truth be told, Alandor doesn’t get many messages. We do not know what is happening throughout Pavo. The dragons have rattled us. We have our own problems.”

“You don’t think the dragons did anything to them or something?” asked 678.

“It doesn’t make sense if they have. Dragons don’t fraternise with anyone apart from gnomes. We think it’s something to do with the ‘new visitors’ they last told us about. Besides, if the dragons had attacked, we’d be able to see the blaze for a long ways,” said the gnome who had dug the mud tunnel.

“Burrow’s right. The Mayor suspects it’s something to do with the people of Earth so we’re waiting for you to get better before we go check it out. You can help us.” He took a bite out of his biscuit. “I’m Nolan, by the way.”

“And I’m Norman, his twin brother.” 678 glanced at them and saw that they both had faded scars on their faces. Nolan wielded a large broadsword and Norman, a mallet. Undoubtedly, they were the bulkiest of the pack and the strongest. The scars were probably from the dragon conflict. Despite their fierce façade, 678 had caught them joking around playfully with the others the day before.

“So what are we going to do today? I feel rejuvenated. I can help out,” said 678, getting up. The others followed suit.

“If you say so. The mayor recommends that we wait ‘til next week to start our journey. It will be tough because the cold season is near but the thick snow will protect us from the merciless dragons. For now, we will scavenge for food in the forest. There is much to do in order to prepare for the coming winter,” said Nord determinedly.

“Of course, I will do all I can.” Armed with yet another mystery, 678 left the hall, his mind buzzing.

I'm already on chapter four but I'm just wondering if you guys would want to read this. Excuse the potentally poor syntax and grammar, it is nearly one here in the UK. I just want to know what you gys think of this and if it sounds even vaguely original? Btw, if you would like to help critique the first three chapters, email me.

MC's Ma goes missing five years before the story starts. MC then immerses himself into "the Hum" (the hubble and bubble of another world living side by side with Earth, like a hologram). By doing so, he manages to get into the other world, called Pavo. This is where he believes his Ma went.

The novel also includes dragons and gnomes who recently have had a falling out with each other and so half the dragons are dead. Not only that, the stars have also disappeared as the two worlds have started overlapping, with potentially dire consequences. This links in with the dragons, as well. The MC tries to form an alliance with the dragons to help get the worlds back on track but he is obstructed by a mysterious boy who goes by the name of Tooth.

Thanks.

Is there a character in your novel who is basically the person you want to be, the ideal person you aspire to become but never could?

Btw, I basically only asked this question because I wanted to share with you guys this gem of a discovery. For aspiring writers: http://www.yahighway.com/p/publishing-road-map.htm...

If you haven't seen it already, I'd advise you to go look around right now. It is brilliant

Do you ever feel like you have to tell more than show because if you show too subtly then the reader might not get your little nuances? For example in my novel, the MC used to call his father "Pa" but in the space of a five year absence of the MC's mother, his Pa has become an alcoholic and the bond the two once had is now gone. Therefore, I wrote in a piece of dialogue the MC calling his Pa "father", instead. However, one of my critics didn't think other readers would get this subtlety so I ended up not including it.

So, do you guys ever feel like you need to dumb down for the readers?