Phil Ramirez

My friend Dylan and I worked things out after we got into a heated fight three years ago. He still doesn't talk to me anymore because he is hanging out with his new girlfriend that looks like the girl from Lazy Town. He blows me off to hang out with the football guys, and all I do now is play solitaire in my condominium. If Dylan doesn't talk to me anymore, does that mean my cat won't either? I need help now!

I remember the good old days when mama used to feed me asparagus bits and sauerkraut pudding, and to make her boy open up, she always said "here comes the airplane," before making an incredibly inaccurate sounding plane takeoff noise. The thought of a full size air vehicle going into my mouth is both uncomfortable and unsanitary. If the airplane goes into my mouth, would my saliva be the Hudson? I don't want any planes going into my mouth. What should I do????

Lately I have felt the bern. Ted Cruise and Don Trump have grinded my gears but I feel like Bernie is fair and just. I wish he was my grandpa. But here's a worry: if I feel the bern, will my condo catch on fire? I don't think a true leader would wish this upon their voters. I have bought 2 fire extinguishers for the matter and have properly been trained to stop, drop, and roll (and vote). Please answer this worrysome question.

My old grandpappy before he sold his stocks for a Chevy back in '92 told me when it thunders, God's just bowling. It's a-rumblin' outside right now and the claps outside make me ponder: is God bowling? Are the apostles keeping score? Tell me, please.

The American hero Ron Paul has been an inspiring figure to me, my family, and my gerbil Harvey. He helped us out when my dad's mining business went through downsizing. But I have wondered why he has two first names. I have heard of people with two first names and a last name like William Henry Harrison and Joey Brian Sanders but where is this man's last name? Please respond before I get antsy.

My mother made papa s flying cheeseburgers again for supper, and I got chronic stomach pains after eating one to many. When I went to sleep, I saw it. The phantom. However, it could be my Uncle. Answers for how to prevent this despicable creature from coming again?

My guidance counselor from my charter school asked me about words I could of ate. I am scared, assuming that I will poop out the alphabet and get diabetes. Help me so I don't end up like the old guy from the commercials.

I came home from my week long fat camp this afternoon and me and my friend Mitchell were going to play non-violent safe games about learning moral values before I found a GROSS OLD HOBO LYING ON MY CARPET!!! Like, wtf???? So I obviously freak out and I scream and Mitchell starts wetting himself when the hobo wakes up, sings a portion of "Life's Been Good" by Joe Walsh, and jumps out the window. The window is now broken and my dad will flip out!!! Mitchell ran home and he'll probably tattle on me! What should I do? Please answer this honestly head scratching query.

There is this kid named Lewis, in my charter school, who has a buzzcut and circular glasses. He makes outrageous comments about quantum mechanics or something nerdy! Anyways, he is really short and always nervous. He is afraid of everything, especially steps in the hallway. How do I get this annoying kid out of my class! His breath smells like cancer, wets himself, and uses his laptop on the toilet.

P.S. I don't want to become a bully, because bullies are fat.

My charter school teacher Mrs. Freeman not only smells like Fritos, but obviously she's been eating them a lot lately because I am very concerned about her weight. Watching the film Finding Nemo on a rainy day where we couldn't play on the monkey bars, I noticed the pufferfish character bared a striking resemblance to Mrs. Freeman! Now even more concerned, I am curious - can the overweight turn into pufferfish? I am concerned that the massive spikes on the now pufferfish who I used to know will poke holes into my 3 minute addition reviews. Please, for the sake of science, answer this mindblowing question.

I have a friend named Dylan, who goes to my charter school. Anyways, he told me yesterday that my breath stank and I need to communicate more. First of all, I think he is starting to turn into a complete @sshole. He started to like football and he is eating more chicken. PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION TO SAVE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!!!!

Yesterday, I was listening to Sirius XM. The song "1985" was playing, which is a good song, it is performed by a band Bowling For Soup. First of all, what kind of band name is Bowling For Soup. Assuming that if someone rolled a bowling ball in a giant thing of soup, the ball would either sink or float, going nowhere near the pins. Please let me understand the reason for all of this!

I was visiting my great uncle Duncan yesterday at his retirement home and suddenly my stomach felt a little flippity-floppity. I started bawling suddenly and everybody looked at me! So embarrassing!!! The workers there had to drag me out. I cried for nearly an hour. What's up with my sudden crying? What is the meaning of this??? Please answer my question, it is life changing.

So today I watched an episode of The Muppet Show. Great show, but I always hide behind the couch if Rowlf the Dog shows up. When I gaze upon his face, I see a demonic soul who will probably kill me in my sleep!!! Why is he so scary??? Everybody I tell this to thinks I'm dumb, but one of these days Rowlf could get them too, and then me!!!

I have an English teacher named Mrs. Freeman who always has a distinct smell. I thought it smelled like Fritos. But every freaking time, I turn in a pop quiz, I have to hold my breath for THREE WHOLE SECONDS!!!! What is the exact reason for all of this?????

I recently watched my favorite TV show Lego Ninjago and further delved into the name "Lego". What does it mean?? Are they made with legs? Could I be playing with leg toys??? I am so worried, I'm clutching onto my Max & Ruby stress ball as I type. Please, somebody answer this truly thought provoking question!!!

I was planning to have a fine night on the town and visit my favorite eatery Denny's tonight, with oh so perfected eggs and breakfast goodies galore. However, I am concerned that they may close before 6:30!! Their menu is mainly breakfast, so what if they're only open in the mornings? Please, somebody, answer my truly head scratching question.

Yesterday I was watching my all-time favorite movie, "Stuart Little." However, I questioned myself wondering how they can film A RAT for 2 FREAKING HOURS without him getting stepped on by the parents, the little nerdy kid, or anyone at the family reunion! Please answer me among all of my curiosity!!!!!

I am practicing for my school talent show next year, I always plan ahead because I am so excited. Some of my friends are doing such talents as ventriloquism and doing Irish jigs, but I am very anxious to pull off an impersonation of my favorite president Bill Clinton. He is a great guy, and I want to honor his presidency with a solid gold perfection of his voice. What is the secret ingredient???

Ever since my parents allowed me, two days ago, to surf the internet, I came across a popular email site called,"hotmail." I was anxious that if I gotten an email, my computer could overheat. Can someone please tell me if this site could possibly melt my HP Pavilion, or my condominium?