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The walls of my Living Room are Magnolia - which is a deep cream - and one accent wall is green & metallic gold . Ceiling is off-white . I can't decide on the colour scheme for my seating . Oh ! And the floor is tiled in the palest grey . Ideas , please , bright people !

My Internet page keeps going up & down , so badly that I can hardly type an e-mail . Why does this happen & what can I do to rectify it ? Plz, I'm pretty desperate .

An explorer in the Amazon jungle suddenly finds himself surrounded by a hundred fierce savages. Panicking, he mumbles, "Oh, God, I'm in trouble."

The sky darkens, & a voice booms out, "No, you're not. Pick up that stone at your feet and slay the chief with it."

The explorer picks up the stone and does just that. He looks up from the chief's lifeless body in time to see the natives angrily lift their spears.

Just then the voice booms out again : "Okay...NOW you're in trouble."

On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the priest and mourners have already gone . Only the grave-diggers remain, and they're eating lunch.

Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play. The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays "Amazing Grace."

When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years ."

It took the pretty, young nurse forever to wake up one of the Nursing Home patients . But after much poking, prodding & wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on her face.

"My, you're pretty !" he said . "Have I asked you to marry me yet ?"

"No, you haven't," she gushed.

"Good. Because I couldn't put up with this every morning."

...for uploading pictures from my Fujifilm A100 digital camera ?

They originally gave me FinepixViewer, which does not work now & the Company's website simply says the A100 is now obsolete & not supported !

All within 2 months of purchase , too .

....it is that Detective Supdt Wexford shares the same initials as Roger West ? And that he has 2 grown-up daughters with their problems, when West has 2 sons with theirs ?

( Still love them both, for being different from the archetypal, reclusive, bachelor detective , who's a walking Encyclopedia ! )

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

____________ _________ _____ ______

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

____________ _________ _____ _____

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

____________ _________ _____ _____

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

____________ _________ _____ _______

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

____________ _________ _____ ______

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

____________ _________ _____ ______

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Peter Wimsey, Adam Dalgliesh, Nero Wolfe or the down-to-earth Inspector Wexford ?

And, of course, why ?

Though I love them all , I can't help but admire RR's breaking the norm of the bachelor-detective & having a normal policeman for an unlikely hero , that too, one who's middle-aged , with grown-up daughters and their attendant problems !

I am just reading this book where one of the characters is called Hadrian Edward Lucas Lorrimer ....his initials being H.E.L.L ! Sounds unlikely ? Was wondering if anyone else had funny initials ?

oxymoron

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:-

Read till end J

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And the Mother of all......

.

.

.

.

11) Happily Married !

What do you call an Ancient Mexican , who is also an engineer ?

Aztech !

Ther is deep snow on the ground, and an Alsatian & a Dacshund are standing side-by-side in it .

"Oh, heck, " says the Alsatian, "my paws are freezing !"

"Don't tell me, " says the dacshund, "I've got my own problems."

I was feeling old & out of shape,so I joined an aerobics class for the over-50s . I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up & downand perspired for half an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over .

What do you get when you eat a blackberry ?

Bluetooth .

And here's one for you, ladies :

'Scientists claimed recently that beer contains traces of male hormones .

To demonstrate their theory, they gave 100 women three glasses of beer each. Every single one talked excessively without making sense, could not cook, and refused to apologise when wrong .

No further testing is planned .'

The Titanic is sailing the seas .The passengers are very well-to-do : men wearing expensive dinner suits, women in dazzling evening clothes . They gather in the banquet hall .Out comes the captain : "Ladies & gentlemen, I have good news & bad news . Which would you prefer to hear first ?"

"The good news !" they cry in unison.

"It is my pleasure to tell you that we have been awarded eleven Oscars !"

Maybe, like put into a pillowcase, as one does stuffed toys ? And, can they be put in the dryer ?

No , but swine flu !

What if Harry Potter were based in, say, Sydney or Melbourne ?

He'd have been a wizard of Oz , of course !

It's been lying in a jar of turps since God knows when , till all the turpentine's evaporated ! ( Used to paint in enamel paint .)

An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick

himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to

strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

I played a few Hangman games there , but can't , for the life of me, remember the site ! Can one retrieve one's old searches somehow ?

An old man lived alone in Cape Town . He wanted to spade his potato

garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Clemence, who used to

help him, was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his

son and described his predicament.

"Dear Clemence, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't

be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just

getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all

my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me .

Love,

Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, For heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's

where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Clemence"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local

police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man

received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could

do under the circumstances. Love Clemence."