Bobbo

My partner of 9 years cheated on me. It was a few times physically and an unknown amount of times virtually. Once caught we went through a hellish time. Mainly for me. But he genuinely loves me. I do believe it. He has moments of awesome then other times he makes me feel like I need to be wary. I am constantly reliving my fear, distrust, and sudden bouts of anxiety whenever he makes me wary. It's like I'm reliving his mistakes. Almost like PTSD.

I know people's initial reaction is to end it. But I can't and I don't want to. When we are on, its amazing. It's like two powerful electro-magnets in a thunderstorm... We have built a life together. We have a home, have pets, his mom lives with us, and more... We've been through life. His BSN, my BS and MA (college), both our Dads dying, we are both military reservists, and I'm a teacher, he's an RN. It goes on and on. I love this man more than my own life.

I feel somewhat responsible. Days after I graduated with my bachelor's degree, my Dad died. It wrecked my world. I mourned heavily for the next year. I was not an attentive boyfriend. I gained weight, I worked little... I basically took more from the relationship than I gave. Once I got rolling in my Master's I leveled out and realized my error. By then he already started to cheat. I did not catch on for a long time. When he suddenly announced we should separate my world crashed. I found out about his cheating ways and lost it. I felt trapped for months and almost left him. I never hurt so much, cried o much, or just felt so dead in all my life. It surpassed the loss of my father.

After a time, we became reacquainted. It was awesome, most days better than before,and I thought we worked through our troubles. Then I found he has problems "playing" online. Whether or not more physical cheating occurred, I do not know. But... I feel lost. He says he stopped. It visibly caused him pain for me to find out and witness my grief.

I want to feel peace and trust him again. I just wish I knew how.

I was talking to my friend kody, and he says that some gay guys pick up a lisp when they hang out with alot of other gays. is this true? Why would that happen? Is it kind of like a gang thing, but with homos? I really don't want a lisp, and I don't want to change who I am, or my self image. I want to be me, and to me, I think I am just a normal kid that happens to be gay. I hope noone thinks this is a stupid question.. just wondering here.

Now, I have seen much on this question in yahoo. Now, remember: There is the biologic (genetic, adaptive), environmental, and mental suggestions out there. For me, this seems more like a biologic.

I do not remember choosing.

Nor are there any gay influences, as in people in my life.

My experience with another boy shows huge amounts of attraction... like air from a ceiling fan compared to a hurricane, as to what I get from girls.

My parents are religious, but good decent people. No abuse.

I have tried to be straight, but its like trying to use a spoon to bail out a boat.

Hey, remember, I'm just a kid trying to reason things out, so be cool.

I just want to make my parents happy. They are really good people, and will pull the shirt off their back to help others if it would. They are, however, Baptist. All through school, I have always found reasons to question this belief. So I don't believe what they do. I think the way of science will certainly solve more life's questions long before really old misconceptions based on ignorance can. Not totally their fault. That is simply what a religion is. Human beings trying to explain the unexplained, the dark loneliness in the woods on a star-filled night.

The problem. I want them proud of me, but how? If they knew that I am attracted to boys, and not girls.. I don't know what they would do. I really like my folks, and they care about me, but they have no clue. I am not anything like those gays you see about on TV. I don't know many like me, so I guess we hide really well. I didn't wake up one day and DECIDE to like boys. I just do. And its weird, it sucks, but it doesn't.

If you must, imagine this: What if your son, say 10 or 12 years old, is unable to express his fears to you. He is attracted to boys, and doesn't know what to do about it. What if he is scared to let you down? To make you hate him? Why would you think, this child, who loves you, and you know you love so much, want to CHOOSE to be something you would despise? If God is real, then logic would suggest: If you place fear, and despise your own, even if you never know he is gay, because he is terrified of you, then that is YOUR SIN. A child should be able to share their fears, hopes, and dreams with the parents that love them. It would be YOUR FAULT if you cannot love YOUR OWN child because you think he CHOOSES this, instead of comfort and love. Use common sense, forget religious nonsense. Love your children, and especially the poor lonely scared adults they become.