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I just went to a Mexican restaurant and the waitress told me it was a holiday called Taco Tuesday. I asked her when it occurs, and she said, "every Tuesday!" Why does Mexico have so many holidays in one year? Is it like Fat Tuesday? What food do they eat while celebrating?

I have had it with my neighbor. He keeps parking his stupid Kia Soul too close to my van and I can't stand the thought of seeing that thing up close every time I drive to the store. Well, a few days ago, he pulled this stunt again, but he didn't close his trunk all the way before he went inside. I decided enough is enough. I waited until dark and then I went into his trunk and removed the bulbs from his tail lights, rear turn signals, and brake lights so he would get a ticket. Then last night he got rear-ended and wound up in the hospital for supposedly tweaking his giraffe neck in the accident. He didn't even get a ticket, but it gets worse! While he was waiting to get his neck x-rayed, he was browsing his phone and found my Instagram story about pulling the prank on him. Now he's furious and told me he called the police to report me as the cause of the accident. I wasn't even there when he crashed! This guy is telling me I could face felony charges now. Is it really possible to get charged with a felony for stealing like seven light bulbs?

I had an argument about this with my mom last night and I need some opinions. I said Satan must be a liberal because he wants to take over the world. My mom said he is a conservative because he's a climate change denier who wants to turn the planet into a burning hellscape. Which is it? Does this prove that the Libertarian party is best in the eyes of God?

I have been applying for jobs for several months, but I only got one interview at a call center, and they told me I "wasn't a good fit" for the company. Then last night I saw a segment on the news about how companies are discriminating based on race and I think I need to change my approach. I am a real American (very very white) with a foreign-sounding last name. Which race should I list on job applications to get the most interviews? If my employer asks for a DNA test, can I use the same strategy as the drug tests where I hide a minority friend's pee in a bag on my leg?

I lost my sales job and my wife is on an extended business trip, so I recently moved into my mom's farm house with my son while I look for work. My mom said she would give me cash for helping out around the farm. Things were going pretty well until last week when goat milking season ended and I needed to switch jobs. My mom said she keeps hearing loud owl sounds coming from the barn and asked me to take care of it. I have investigated this for several nights now, and each time I check the barn, there is nobody inside. At this point, I am willing to spend the rest of my milk money on a weapon to stop this freak stalker who is harassing my mom. What sort of weapon should I buy? How many bear traps should I hide around the entrances to the barn?

I started feeling sick last night, so I spent several hours on my phone watching my favorite news shows while I was confined to the bathroom. I kept seeing ads for this MyPillow product and it inspired me. I should become an entrepreneur! I lost my job a few months ago, so I have plenty of time to start a new company.

My situation gave me the perfect idea for a product. I will design a device that attaches wheels to any existing toilet! This will revolutionize home office efficiency, and most importantly, my story is relatable to consumers. I will need to find some investors to create a commercial like the MyPillow one. Do you think I should pitch this on Shark Tank? How much will the commercial cost? I'm not too concerned with the cost of the product because I can probably build this with a few bolts and a pair of training wheels.

The mainstream media keeps talking about how Donald Trump refuses to concede the election, but Joe Biden hasn't conceded the election either. Why hasn't Biden conceded the election, and why does the media hold Trump to such a different standard? This hypocrisy is very concerning to highly-educated voters like myself.

I lost my job due to the pandemic and had to transfer my son from a private Christian school to a public one. I asked the school district to enroll him in the Christian curriculum, but they told me they aren't allowed to endorse any religions. Well, guess what happened today? I checked on my son during his remote learning session, and they were teaching him to believe in Scientology. The lesson was about vaccinations, "trials," and other Scientology jargon. I immediately closed the video and gave my son the rest of the day off. Our family does not believe in that nonsense, and I shudder to think of how much worse my son's autism would be if we had vaccinated him. Why are public schools allowed to preach Scientology but not Christianity?

I just started a new job and my boss asked me to ride on the company's float during our town's semi-annual Halloween parade! I want a costume that is both funny and scary, so I've decided to dress up like a liberal. I have a shirt with the Russian flag (hammer and sickle), a cape I made from a half-burned American flag, a Bible with "Quran" written over it in Sharpie (I couldn't find a real one), and a graduation cap. Do you have any ideas or thoughts about what I have so far? Please don't suggest anything related to abortion... this is a family-friendly parade.

My mom started making me do my own laundry now that I am taking my college classes online. I forgot my clothes in the dryer a few times and she got really annoyed for some reason. The dryer is in our kitchen, so I started running the microwave without any food inside for about 45 minutes in order to hear the timer as a reminder to get my clothes. She got super mad at me, said I'm "destroying the kitchen," and told me to "just use my phone." Is there actually anything wrong with using the microwave as a timer? She is an older Boomer who struggles with technology, so I assume this is simply an anxiety attack. I even tried explaining to her that the dryer is from 2005 and couldn't possibly have a phone app because the first iPhone came out in 2007... good grief.

During a recent checkup with our family doctor, my wife described having cramps, fatigue, and headaches. She can be a bit of a hyperchondriac and asked the doctor if she might have covidvirus. The doctor rolled his eyes and said, "that sounds like a classic case of herpititis 3" before leaving the examination room. Now the situation is out of control and my wife is having audible meltdowns about "genital herpes" while I'm on work calls. My coworkers giggle every time I log on for meetings and it's utterly humiliating. I tried telling my wife that the doctor was just annoyed by her questions, but she keeps insisting that I cheated on her and this is all my fault. How can I get her behavior under control and convince my coworkers that I don't have herpes?

my friend from work told me about the solar ellipse last weekend but she said not to watch it without eye protection. ive been working from home the last few months while recovering from an eye injury (dont ask) so i wanted to be extra careful... but my vision in my other eye has been dim/spotty since monday

i didnt have time to order the special 3d glasses for the solar ellipse, so i mixed some spf 70 sunblock with eye drops and put a few drops in 15 minutes early... it was really bright, so i also wore sunglasses to be extra safe. that should be enough protection right? its really hard to see now because my other eye is still bandaged

President Trump is making America great again, but how did he become the best President without having political experience? Did he train with the best political advisers in the country, or is he just a genius?

i just bought a fidget spinner to cure my adhd but i think i might have hurt my self

me and my friends did the bankers club challenge last friday and i got scared like i got alcohol poisoning so i grabbed my spinner to calm down. it helped but then i tried to do that trick where you spin it and balance it on your nose to inpress them... but it fell off and hit my eye like right in the black part. it hurt really bad and i remember seeing a flash but then we all passed out from the bankers club

i woke up saturday afternoon and now my vision is weird and the black part of my eye is shaped like a goat eye (sort of like rice)... it doesnt hurt anymore but i cant really read with that eye and i cant afford health insurance because obama so what do i do?? do you think its ok or should i barrow money from my parents to see a doctor?

My six-year-old daughter figured out that Santa isn't real last Christmas when she recognized my wife's handwriting on the gift tags. She is very mature for her age and seemed to take this realization in stride.

Today our daughter decided to spray two cans of Pam all over our kitchen floor and lured our cat onto it with a laser pointer. Apparently the cat skidded full-speed into a mop, which then knocked several glasses off the counter and they smashed on the floor. My wife had to clean shards of glass off a floor that was nearly impossible to stand on. We're not happy right now.

We punished our daughter by taking her toys from Christmas away. She threw an absolute fit and smashed a window out with a lamp. When we told her that she had to honor my wife and I according to the Ten Commandments, she looked at us and said, "God is just Santa for older kids. I'm not falling for that again."

What can we do? I fear she may reject the grace of God because she thinks it's merely a tactic for controlling people's behavior.

My wife and I dedicated our adult lives to protecting our son from the evils of this world. We took him to Church twice a week, home schooled him, and installed an internet pornography filter on the family computer. He recently turned 18, and now we fear he's straying from the path of righteousness.

On his 18th birthday, we purchased him his first smartphone so he can play with friends without our supervision. Shortly afterward, he started spending a lot of time with a girl who lives down the street. We began to grow concerned, so we decided to keep an eye on them today.

The two of them spent hours walking around together with their phones. Sometimes they looked confused, spinning around with their arms outstretched. Other times they appeared alarmed and ran into strange places, still clutching their phones. It was very unnatural and erratic behavior, but we followed them the whole afternoon and they didn't drink any alcohol or drugs.

At one point, I heard our son claim they had successfully "expanded blue territory" and the girl responded by saying she was "very proud of him." My wife said she heard them speaking in code, like "we're going to run these eggs!" I'm worried they're using hacker software on their phones to mark territory for a gang associated with blue. The only gang in blue we allow him to support is the police... I really hope this gang isn't related to Liberals. What can we do?

I'm watching the GOP primary debate and noticed the candidates worship the Constitution in a similar way as the Bible. Is their strong faith what makes them such good leaders?

I watch the news every night, and I still see segments about vaccines causing autism in children. There is no need for this nonsense in modern society. This is supposed to be the era of healthcare reform, and sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by fools. Whatever happened to common sense? Why haven't these overpaid doctors figured out that you have to give kids the autism vaccine before the other ones?

We all know the Apple Watch is the future, but is one really enough? The battery lasts less than a day, so what if I want to go hiking for a weekend and track my miles? I'm thinking it will take at least two watches to accomplish this. Luckily it will be easier than carrying both my iPhones because I have two wrists.